


All You Had To Do Was Ask

by misharuu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aftercare, Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse, Alcohol Poisoning, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Uzumaki Naruto, Caring Jiraiya, Concerned Jiraiya, Dark Uzumaki Naruto, Depressed Uzumaki Naruto, Depression, Dry Humping, First Time, Flashbacks, Frottage, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Violence, Hand Jobs, Hurt Uzumaki Naruto, Hurt/Comfort, Kyuubi | Nine Tails | Kurama Totally Sucks, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Mutual Masturbation, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Nurse Jiraiya, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Rimming, Self Harm, Sick Uzumaki Naruto, Smart Uzumaki Naruto, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Uzumaki Naruto, Suicide Attempt, Top Jiraiya, Vomiting, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misharuu/pseuds/misharuu
Summary: Naruto and Jiraiya have set out on another journey together, working hard to get Naruto ready to face off against Sasuke and the Akatsuki. Jiraiya has been distant and Naruto is frequently left to train on his own which starts to take it's toll (both mentally and physically). Jiraiya returns from a recon mission to find Naruto sick and injured, slipping deep into the grasps of depression. Emotions are kindled and their dynamic begins to shift and change; can Jiraiya save Naruto before it's too late? Or will he wind up doing more damage than good?
Relationships: JiraNaru - Relationship, Jiraiya/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 15
Kudos: 126





	1. Blood

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! so this fic follows the canon storyline up until when Naruto begins training with Jiraiya for the second time, before learning sage mode. rather than having a second, shorter spurt of training they set off on another two year long journey. Naruto is 19 and Orochimaru took on a different vessel which gave them more time to prepare while the Akatsuki focused on the other tailed beasts. Naruto is being tormented by the Nine Tailed Fox and slowly falls into a pit of crippling depression. he stops taking care of himself and has to deal with the consequences once Jiraiya comes back from a 'research' session. drama ensues and eventually Jiraiya and Naruto realize they might need eachother more than they had ever expected.
> 
> they are not in a relationship and as of yet haven’t realized their feelings for each other. that’s mainly what this story will be about!
> 
> each chapter will have pertinent TWs in the top notes, slow burn, eventual jiraiya/naruto, I tried to stay as in character as possible, blah blah blah... please leave comments! I love feedback c:

_"You're weak. You're a monster. No one could ever love you. Not after what you've done. Not with what you are. You're a fucking disgrace. Jiraiya is just using you. He wants your power. Why do you think he's always off 'researching'? You disgust him. He can't stand being in the same room as you. You killed his prized student. You're a murderer," the Fox snickered, chakra glowing a deep dark crimson. Naruto sat in the shallow water, his hands pressed over his ears. He wouldn't listen. He wanted to tear out his eardrums so he_ couldn't _listen. Even now he knew he was dreaming, but it stung the same because he knew the words were true._

_  
_Naruto's eyes snapped open, waking with a start. A dull throb formed behind his eyes and he let out a shaky breath. A cold sweat coated his body and a chill seeped up his spine. He shivered and pulled his covers closer to his neck, wrapping himself up tight. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the pressure in his head away. Suddenly a sharp pain spread throughout his stomach like a wildfire, deep and twisting. He winced and rolled onto his side, but the sudden movement caused his vision to swim. He groaned and fought back the bile rising in his throat, swallowing hard. Just as he thought he was about to lose control the door slammed open. Jiraiya cheerily walked into the room, loudly dropping his pack next to the door. He stomped through the room and stopped at the window next to Naruto's resting spot. He flung the blinds opens and spun on his heels to face his student. "Rise and shine, kid! It's nearly noon!" he beamed, giving Naruto a light shake with his foot. Naruto pulled the covers over his face as the sunlight assaulted his eyes.

"S-Sensei -" he started but his voice betrayed him. He cleared his throat and tried again, "Sensei, I don't think I can train today."

Jiraiya let out a hearty laugh, "come on kid! I didn't think you'd quit that easily!" he made his way to their closet and pulled out Naruto's clothes, spreading them on the bedspread over his feet. "You've been resting all night, time to get a move on!" he smirked, looking at the lump under the blanket. "Plus!" he added happily, "my research is done for now. I'll tell ya what; I'll watch you train," _if that's what it'll take to get you out of bed,_ he finished in his head.

Naruto perked up at this. He'd been begging Jiraiya to watch him train for weeks. Months, even. Before he even started his sage training. Truth be told he was starting to feel hurt. He'd been alone his entire life; shunned and outcast like trash. That wasn't anything new. But Jiraiya filled a spot in his heart that had been missing. He made Naruto feel like he wasn't so alone. But as soon as they left to train for the second time Naruto felt like Jiraiya quickly grew tired of him. Naruto wound up spending most of his time training alone, and Jiraiya was usually off ‘researching’. Sometimes he'd train so hard that he'd pass out and his teacher wouldn't even notice, leaving him out overnight in the cold and rain. Naruto was beginning to feel more alone than ever. His heart constantly ached, but he kept pushing himself. He wouldn't stop until he was strong enough to bring Sasuke home. But the current pressure and stress was taking it's toll. The Nine Tailed Fox chakra was healing him slower and slower; at this point he felt like he was healing even slower than a normal person would. And his mental health was struggling. He felt himself slipping into the void of depression and anxiety, desperate for some real human interaction. He wasn't going to let a stupid headache ruin his chance to make Jiraiya proud.

Jiraiya watched as a puff of yellow hair began to emerge from the blanket. His smile faded slowly as he got a full view of Naruto. He was as pale as a ghost; his hair was limp and stuck to his forehead with sweat. His red rimmed eyes were glazed over and unfocused, and he looked much too thin.

"Really? You mean it?" he asked weakly, pulling himself up. He staggered a bit but was able to steady himself. He couldn't let himself ruin this. Not now. Not for some stupid cold. Jiraiya was prepared to tell Naruto to get back into bed, but with the way he cheered up at the mention of watching him train he couldn't pull the rug out from under the kid. Jiraiya huffed, tossing the clothes on the bedspread into Naruto's hands.

"Yeah, I mean it. But first we're going to get some food. With all the growing you've been doing you're starting to get a bit thin, you look like a twig," Jiraiya masked the worry in his voice with a joke. Naruto let a thin smile grow on his face as he gripped his clothes in his hands. 

Jiraiya looked around the room nonchalantly. He admittedly had been quite busy lately; he told Naruto he was 'researching,' but in reality he was trying to gain intel on the Akatsuki. It had been at least a week since he'd slept in on actual mattress, let alone checked up on Naruto. He knew the boy always pushed himself to the limit but his optimistic nature and sticktoitiveness kept him going, and tough love was Jiraiya's signature teaching method. He was starting to think that method wouldn't be as effective for someone like Naruto, but the kid needed to grow up. He was almost twenty and was still constantly seeking approval from anyone who would give him the time of day. He had to learn how to satisfy his own needs. But as Jiraiya looked around the room he didn't see the usual litter of snack wrappers and ramen containers that he'd become accustomed to. All he saw were scrolls, blood stained clothing soaking in a soapy basin, and... was that sake?

Jiraiya let out a heaving sigh, "c'mon kid, lets get some food into you."

The thought of food made Naruto's stomach turn. He had to fight down a gag that threatened to escape his lips. He covered it up by clearing his throat and plastering on a hollow smile. He gripped the clothes in his hands tightly and made his way to the bathroom to clean up. He let the door click behind him as he gingerly lifted his night shirt over his head, wincing as the dried blood on his ribs stuck to the fabric of his shirt. He knew he was training too hard, pushing himself to the limit every day. Each day he seemed to have less and less energy, and it took less and less time for him to become exhausted. He had started to become sloppy, getting injured more often than not. He let out a shaky sigh as he turned to face the sink. Naruto almost jumped when he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. He had dark bags under his eyes that were accentuated by the pale sheen of his skin and he could see his ribs beginning to poke out. He frowned at himself, looking away with shame. Naruto discarded his shirt into the corner and pulled on his fresh one, zippering his jacket slowly. As he bent down to pull up his pants a sudden wave of dizziness threatened to knock him on his ass so he quickly leaned against the wall and slid down, allowing his head to rest on his knees. He took a few shuddering breaths, trying to steady the clenching pain in his stomach. ' _Useless. Dirty. Unclean. Monster,'_ the voice in his head teased, sending his heart rate skyrocketing. Naruto bit his lip in an attempt to stop the tears. He was sick and weak. Usually he could keep the intrusive thoughts in his head at bay, but in his weakened state he was having a hard time suppressing them. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled himself up using the bathroom counter, turning on the cold tap. He splashed his face with water, allowing his mask to slip back on, cementing his walls firmly in place.

While Naruto was in the bathroom Jiraiya took a moment to do a more thorough search of the room. He couldn't find any evidence of food wrappers or take out boxes, but he tried to humor himself by thinking that his student was just eating out a lot. The scrolls spread across the floor detailed some advanced techniques; additional chakra natures and expert chakra control. Techniques Naruto should have waited for Jiraiya's help with. The older man frowned as his eyes slid over the sake bottle. He quietly picked up the bottle and gave it a gentle shake; empty. As he stood in the empty room curiosity got the better of him. He sneakily padded over to the bathroom door, hovering his ear against the cool painted wood. At first he only heard silence, but suddenly he heard short, shallow, uneven breaths followed by what sounded like a choked off sob. Jiraiya's heart jumped into his throat and he raised his hand to knock on the door to check on Naruto. Just as his knuckles were about to rap against the door he heard the sink turn on. He leapt back from the door in time for it to swing open, having just enough time to spin on his heels and act as if he was thumbing over a scroll.   
  


Naruto glared at Jiraiya suspiciously before slipping on his sandals.

"Alright, kid, lets go," Jiraiya swung the door open and held it for Naruto as he exited. Naruto looked up at his teacher and gave him one of his trademark boyish grins. Jiraiya felt taken aback about the fact that Naruto was able to hide his emotions as well as he could; after he cleaned himself up he almost looked normal, if not for his puffy eyes and lean physique. Normally he'd brush that off as a long night of training, but today, _this time,_ he knew that thinking that would be wrong. Something was up, and he wasn't going to give up until he got to the bottom of it.

———————————————

Lunch was uneventful. Naruto tried to act normal but with his watchful eye Jiraiya noticed him expertly pushing his food around on his plate to make it look like he'd eaten most of it. _'How often has he done that without me realizing?'_ the guilt and worry were eating away at him inside, _'and when did I start to care so much?'_ So lost in his deep introspection Jiraiya didn't notice Naruto sneaking into the bathroom until a few moments had passed. Naruto's plate was already gone and his utensils sat neatly on his folded napkin. He narrowed his eyes and waited a minute before trailing him, trying to be sleek. He pushed the door open slowly and was greeted by the sound of Naruto coughing; a dry, deep cough that sounded painful.

"You alright in there?" Jiraiya asked from outside the stall, trying to hide the concern in his voice.

Naruto cleared his throat and forced out a nonchalant laugh, "y-yeah, just allergies! You know me, sensei, nothing can keep me down for long."

He flushed the toilet and staggered out of the stall, joining Jiraiya at the sinks as they both washed their hands. As much as he wanted to take the kid back to their room and drill him about his odd behavior, he wanted to give Naruto a chance to come to him on his own. He didn't want to pry; in reality it was none of his business. He was Naruto's teacher, not his dad and not his best friend. But something about this was different and Jiraiya couldn't quite place his finger on it; all he knew was that the sudden concern he had for Naruto made him unseasy. He wasn't one to invest so much into his student's personal lives, let alone their mental health. But the alarm bells were going off in his head and he couldn't quiet them. He needed to get to the bottom of this; whether Naruto wanted to do this the easy way or the hard way was up to him.

"Lets get a move on! We only have so much sunlight left," Jiraiya placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder as they headed towards their training spot.

———————————————

Naruto had certainly been training hard. By the amount of fallen trees, scuff marks, and rasengan impact points in the area Naruto had certainly been training hard in Jiraiya's absence.

"Been busy I see! Happy to see you haven't just been slacking off while I've been away," he jokingly elbowed Naruto in the ribs, gauging his reaction.

Naruto winced but tried to play it off as a chuckle, "well yeah sensei, I couldn't just sit around waiting for you to get back. Besides, I'm used to training alone since you seem to have little interest in helping me train anyway!" he glared up at his teacher with a smirk on his face, "plus, Ero-sennin, I've been doing just fine without you!"

It was Jiraiya's turn to glare at Naruto, "I thought I told you not to call me that. And I'm here now, aren't I? So show me what you've been working so hard on." Jiraiya dropped his pack onto the ground by a tree and rolled up his sleeves. He needed to feel for himself just where Naruto's skills had increased to, and what a better way to do that than sparing?

Naruto rolled his eyes as he jumped into position, "you sure you really want that old man? I don't want to hurt you," he giggled childishly, reaching into his pouch for a kunai.

"Just come at me," Jiraiya chided impatiently, watching for Naruto's move, his patience wearing thin.

As usual Naruto didn't try to make a calculated move, he ran straight for Jiraiya while pulling the kunai from his pouch, throwing the knife as a distraction while raising his leg for a kick. Jiraiya easily dodged the kunai and grabbed his foot, giving it a light twist to throw off Naruto's center of gravity. He noted the ease at which he was able to dodge him and throw him off balance, something which was usually quite hard with Naruto. The twisting of his leg made Naruto divert his attention, but he took advantage of the movement by reaching out his hands towards the ground. He used his palms to redirect his energy, pushing up off the ground and aiming a kick straight at the back of Jiraiya's head. Jiraiya bent forward a bit, causing Naruto's foot to just barely graze his mane of silvery hair, and he reached out his arm and gently pushed Naruto's hip while he was still upside down trying to regain his footing. The move made Naruto stumble a bit, giving Jiraiya time to spin around and grab his student by both arms, getting him in a headlock.

"C'mon kid, is this really the best you got? If this is how you've been training then I really haven't been missing much," he teased, trying to rile his student up enough to bring out the fight in him. That pissed Naruto off. The first time his sensei comes to watch him train in weeks and _this_ was the best he could do? The pain in his head slowed him down and made him see double, while the unending stomach cramps made it difficult for him to stand up straight.

He took a moment to catch his breath and will his stomach to settle. He smirked, "I was just warming up!" Naruto jumped back and prepared his hand signs.

" _Sh_ _adow clone jutsu!_ " he called out, spawning ten clones of himself. A few ran forward to engage Jiraiya in combat while he hung back with the rest, preparing a rasengan. He focused his chakra on his palm, finding it exceedingly difficult to draw enough out to make an adequately sized ball. The change in chakra form was enough to almost completely exhaust him. The feeling of disappointment rose up and crashed over him in waves. _Talentless. A waste of space. A waste of air. A waste of life._ He growled and sprung into action, launching himself into the air to gain some speed and momentum. " _Rasengan!_ " he snarled, aiming straight for Jiraiya who was able to easily dodge Naruto's attack. Naruto landed on the ground and felt the shock waves of pain ricochet up his arm as his hand collided with the ground, a deep indent scarring the earth. The pain seemed to go straight up to his temples, the dull roar of his headache spiking up to a splitting pain. He winced and rested on his knee for a moment while Jiraiya grinned down at him.

"Come on Naruto, how do you plan to get Sasuke back with that crap? You can't even put a scratch on me! When did you get so weak?"

 _Weak._ The word bounced around his head like a boomerang. _You're weak._ Naruto's face scrunched up into a sneer. He got up to his feet so quickly that all Jiraiya saw was a blur. The only still image he was able to catch was Naruto's eyes slitting dangerously. In his state Jiraiya knew Naruto couldn't handle a surge of the Fox's chakra - he was trying to avoid hurting the boy but he needed to put a stop to this. Naruto snarled as he launched himself into the air and quickly descended upon Jiraiya, a harsh blow landing across his teacher's face. Jiraiya slid back a few feet and had just enough time to block his head before Naruto landed another blow. Before he could get a defensive hit in of his own Naruto was already spinning around, dodging Jiraiya's first while also aiming a hit of his own at the older man's ribs. Jiraiya jumped up and dipped behind Naruto's back, moving quickly enough to slide Naruto's feet out from under him. The younger man hit the ground with a _thud_ , all the air in his lungs painfully rushing out in a whoosh. He gasped as the pain shot through his body like lightning, setting every nerve ending ablaze. He managed to turn onto his side as he fought to regain the ability to breathe, coughing and spluttering. Jiraiya narrowed his eyes, ' _he should have recovered from that by now; I've seen him get flung halfway across a forest and get up as if nothing happened. This isn't good.'_ He sighed as he reached down to offer Naruto a hand, but quickly jumped back when he saw clawed fingers swat his hand away. _'Shit, the transformation has started, I need to end this before he takes on the Nine Tail's cloak.'_ Jiraiya balled his hands into fists and watched as Naruto struggled to his feet, pausing for a moment with his hands on his knees.

"You alright over there?" Jiraiya asked cautiously. All he got in response was an animalistic growl, red cat eyes meeting his gaze.

"Stop going easy on me, old man. I'm not a fucking _child!_ " Naruto snapped, jumping into action.

The two spared for a moment, hands and feet flying in a blur. Naruto caught Jiraiya in the jaw, sending his teacher gliding back. Jiraiya spat out blood that was gushing from his bottom lip as he waited for Naruto to make his next move. The boy dashed towards him with a snarl, clawed hand raised and ready to strike. _'This needs to end. Now!'_ Jiraiya balled his fist and hit Naruto full force in the stomach as soon as he was about to get slashed. The blow sent Naruto flying back, a _crack_ echoing around the clearing as his back connected with a tree. Jiraiya held his position as the dust settled, waving his hand back and forth in front of his face as he attempted to get a glimpse of Naruto. He took a few hasty steps as Naruto's silhouette began to come into his line of vision. He saw Naruto struggling to stand, using the tree trunk to steady himself. Once the dust settled and Jiraiya was able to get a real look at his student he noticed that he was shaking all over, strong tremors rocking his whole body. He back was pressed against the tree and his hands rested on his knees, his face blocked by hair and shadows. His claws and fangs had retracted so Jiraiya felt comfortable getting closer.

"... Naruto?" Jiraiya asked gently once he was about halfway across the clearing. Naruto's face slowly turned up towards his teacher, a stupid grin plastered onto his face, but the tremors revealed his true pain.

"I-I'm fine, sensei; that was a good hit you got in but it won't happen again!" He reached up and brushed a hand through his hair, freezing when his fingers reached the back of his head. Something slick was coating his fingertips; something warm and sticky. _Blood._ He shakily pulled his hand away from his head and stared at the blood dripping from his fingers, snaking it's way down to his elbow.

"Naruto!" Jiraiya sprang into action as his student's eyes went wide with shock before rolling into the back of his head. He reached his arms out just in time to catch Naruto's limp body before he landed in a heap on the ground.

———————————————

  
_Inky darkness spread around him, swirling like smoke. He felt the uncomfortably warm waist deep water surrounding him; caressing his skin, it's putrid odor making his stomach turn. Somewhere close behind him he heard an insidious chuckle and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. '_

_Weak. You're still so weak,' the voice boomed. Naruto shuttered as a rotting smell reached him; a smell of death and decay. The air was thick with it, assaulting his nostrils whenever the voice spoke. 'You're pathetic. Why do you even try? Just give up. Give in to me. I can make you strong.' A cold chill ran up his spine as he pushed himself up onto unsteady feet. He looked around frightfully as he tried to get his bearings. He reached his hands up to try to wipe the sweat off his forehead but somehow it made his skin feel slicker, stickier, warm... Naruto looked down at his hands and gasped, falling backwards into the water as he realized his hands were covered in blood. He desperately tried to scrub the blood off his hands as another snicker exploded into his eardrums, 'see what you've done? See what you've become? You're a monster, whether you give in to me or not. I will overcome you. I will wipe out your village; I'll kill each and every friend you've ever known while wearing your face. You'll feel their bones break beneath your fingers. You'll taste their blood.' Images of death and chaos flashed before his eyes; The Hidden Leaf Village burning to the ground, all of his friend's bodies scatted over rubble, Kakashi's decapitated head on a stake. Naruto sobbed and squeezed his palms onto his eyes._

_"No! That won't happen! I won't let you!" he cried, whipping his head back and forth trying to find the source of the voice._ _Finally he saw an ominous crimson smoke billowing from the darkness, a pair of gigantic red eyes peering at him from the void. The voice laughed heartily, causing the walls and ground to shake. '_

_Don't you see, you stupid boy, you already have.' Naruto plunged his hands back into the water, struggling to see through the tears in his eyes.The blood wouldn't budge; each time he tried to wash it off it just grew and multiplied, coating his arms up to the elbows. And then he saw it; the water he was sitting in was a river of blood. Fresh and hot. Naruto sobbed, broken in half and hollow. 'Why am I alive?'_

_'Naruto. Naruto!' A voice was calling out to him from the darkness, a pinprick of light appearing above him. He stood, wanting to reach out and grab it, follow it out of this Hell. But he couldn't move, those eyes had him paralyzed. 'Naruto!' The voice called out again as the beam of light grew. Naruto reached up his hands, jumping into the beam of light and letting it envelop him. The ominous voice screeched ferociously and Naruto felt a clawed hand try to grab him, but the darkness was already receding and he was pulled fully into the light._   
  


———————————————

Naruto awoke from his nightmare, colors and sounds rushing back to him in a blur. He felt hands on his face, rough and calloused, pushing back his hair and gently slapping his cheek.

" _Fuck,_ you're burning up!" a voice growled as he felt his body being shaken. "Naruto, wake the _fuck up!_ " the familiar voice barked. Naruto seemed to come back down into reality as he heard his name. The voice was Jiraiya sensei! A sick groan escaped Naruto's lips as he attempted to roll on his side, but he found himself firmly being held in Jiraiya's lap. "Naruto! Stay with me now," Jiraiya exclaimed, his forehead creased and his mouth pressed into a thin line. Naruto went to rub his eyes but caught a whiff of something metallic - _blood!_ His eyes flew open and he stared at the blood coating his hand. He wriggled free from Jiraiya's grasp just in time to roll to his side off his lap, landing on the ground hard, a pain surging through his chest from the impact. His fingers clenched into the dirt as he gagged, a rush of stomach acid burning his throat. A wave of vomit splashed onto the ground as Naruto choked and retched, involuntary tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. Suddenly he felt a hand on his back, rubbing in circles. Jiraiya helped Naruto to his knees so he wasn't laying in a puddle of his own vomit, leaving a strong hand on the boy's shoulder to help hold him steady. Naruto hissed in pain as his body betrayed him, spluttering and heaving over the ground as his stomach refused to settle. He coughed up a dribble of bile, a long string of saliva hanging from his lips. Jiraiya pushed back Naruto's hair, hushing him and gently whispering reassurances and encouragement; _you're good, I've got you, I'm so sorry._ Jiraiya's heart broke in two as he watched his student struggling. The back of his head was coated in blood and dirt, _'because of me,'_ and Naruto was puking in a field - ' _even though I knew something was up and decided to push him to his limits instead of forcing him to take it easy,'_ Jiraiya thought to himself bitterly. He wasn't used to the feelings he was feeling. He wasn't sure if he should stick to his old ways or model and change his tactics to Naruto's needs... to his own needs. He felt Naruto's breathing change below his grip; quick and unsteady, gasping, hyperventilating. He gripped Naruto's shoulder and smoothed the boy's hair back. " _Breathe_ , kid, you need to breathe. Steady, now. You're okay. I'm here," Jiraiya murmured, letting his fingers linger over the back of Naruto's head, trying to gauge how bad his injury was. 

The gash was deep with raged edges but the bone was undisturbed. Naruto dry heaved one last time before sliding his feet underneath him, settling his ass on the ground, arms cradling his head against his knees. He suddenly broke down into tears, gasping for breath between sobs, his chest clenched tight. "It's all my fault!" he finally managed to choke out. Jiraiya scrunched his eyebrows together and reached out to wrap an arm around Naruto's shoulders, but the boy quickly flinched away. His head whipped up as he held an arm in front of him, "g-get away from me! I-I'll only hurt you!" he sobbed, delirious with fever.

"Naruto... what are you talking about?" the older man murmured as he tried to approach Naruto again, letting a hand rest on the boy's knee.

Naruto hiccuped and coughed, shrinking away from Jiraiya's touch, tears streaking his face. "Their _blood_ ," Naruto cried, holding up his hands as if to prove his point, "the blood of The Village is on my hands. I'm a monster - there's a monster _inside me._ If you don't get away - i-if you stay here... _I'll kill you_." Naruto pitched forward involuntarily as his stomach clenched, forcing up a painful dry cough. He struggled as his body dry heaved repeatedly, his entire body shaking violently.

"Easy, easy..." Jiraiya soothed, slipping behind Naruto and placing a hand on his back, rubbing in light circles. Naruto's body was utterly exhausted; nothing left to throw up and no energy to resist the unending sickness in his stomach. Once he was done Jiraiya pulled the boy closer to him to examine his wound. His powers of healing were rudimentary, but he had picked up a few pointers from Tsunade over the years. He concentrated his chakra and held his hand over Naruto's wound. The healing was slow and painful, the Fox clearly wasn't even attempting to heal Naruto this time around. _'That explains why he's so sick. In all my years of training with Naruto I've never seen him have more than a slight sniffle. The Fox isn't healing him; whether he's unable to or just rebelling is something I'll need to figure out,'_ he thought to himself as Naruto's gash finally started to knit back together.

The boy sat in his lap, sniffling and coughing, shaking miserably from the pain coursing through his body. As soon as the cut was healed Naruto slumped backwards into Jiraiya's chest. Jiraiya sighed and scooted Naruto fully into his lap, using his sleeve to wipe off his face. A move like that would usually have Naruto calling him a pervert, but for now it brought him comfort. Naruto's hands clutched onto the front of Jiraiya's vestments, snuggling his face into the fabric. _'He_ must _be sick to be acting like this,'_ he frowned, sighing as he began to push himself up, cradling Naruto to his chest. The sudden movement made it feel like he had the spins, wincing as he squeezed his eyes tight. "Just hang on," Jiraiya adjusted the heap of a boy in his arms before leaping off into action, rushing them back to their room.

———————————————

  
  


Jiraiya placed Naruto onto the couch, keeping one hand firmly planted on his student’s shoulder so he wouldn’t fall over. Naruto was slipping in and out of consciousness; his high fever intermingling with his concussion, creating a deadly combination. Jiraiya unzipped Naruto’s jacket and gently slid the sleeves over his shoulders and down his arms. He slid his pants down and then removed his undershirt, leaves his boxers for dignity’s sake.

“Alright, up ya go,” he muttered as he picked Naruto up from under his arms, carrying him into the bathroom so he could get him in a cool bath. Even without being a medical ninja Jiraiya could tell Naruto's fever was reaching the danger zone. He flipped on the taps and then settled onto the floor, cradling Naruto’s broken frame in his hands. Other than his blatant sickness and concussion Jiraiya was able to detect multiple cracked ribs in various states of repair, multiple strained muscles, a snapped ligament in his left knee, and a litany of bruises and cuts. How Naruto even managed to pull himself out of bed that morning was a miracle.

Once the tub was full Jiraiya turned off the taps and gently placed Naruto into the tub. As soon as he was in the water his eyes flashed open.

“C-cold! L-let me out of here!” he struggled to get out of the tub but was too weak to put up much of a fight. Jiraiya grabbed both of Naruto’s wrists and tried to hold them down, so Naruto used his feet as leverage to try to slide out of the tub.

“ _Damn it Naruto,_ stay still! If I don’t cool you down your brains gonna fry!” Jiraiya exclaimed, struggling against Naruto’s constant wriggling. Finally he heaved a sigh, “shit, you owe me one, kid,” he glared at the boy as he stood up and stepped into the tub, a quick shiver making its way up his spine as the lower part of his pants got soaked. He slid down into the lukewarm water, wrapping his arms around Naruto’s chest, forcing the boy’s arms still as he straddled his back to keep him from bucking out of the tub. For a moment he just held him, waiting for the harsh shivers to stop shaking Naruto’s thin frame, and especially for him to stop resisting.

As soon as Naruto relaxed Jiraiya took the washcloth from the towel rack and wet it, squeezing out the excess water. He wiped the dirt and blood off of Naruto’s body and neck, pressing gently as to avoid hurting him _(even more than he already had)_. Naruto’s head lolled back into the crook of Jiraiya’s neck, snuggling his face into the crazy mane of silvery hair, seeking warmth. Once Jiraiya was done with the washcloth he rinsed it, squeezed it, and folded it in half, laying it over Naruto’s forehead and eyes. Jiraiya grabbed a cup from the side of the tub and filled it with water before dumping it over Naruto’s hair, gently massaging the dried blood and dirt from it. As he massaged his scalp he couldn’t help but notice Naruto’s toes curling, a barely audible moan deep in his throat. The older man couldn’t help but chuckle lightly.

“You’re never gonna live this down, and you’re never gonna call me a pervert again,” he smiled to himself as he washed the last of the blood away. It was the first time in weeks that he’d seen Naruto actually relaxed and he felt guilty taking it away so soon, especially after he’d injured him so badly, so he kept massaging his scalp. He grabbed the shampoo from the rack above him and squirted some into his hand before lathering it in Naruto’s honey yellow hair. He noticed Naruto begin to shake again and he stopped, reaching to grab for the cup so he could wash the shampoo away and get them into some warm, dry clothes.

But as Naruto spoke he froze in place; “p-please don’t stop.” He wasn’t shivering, he was crying. Naruto had never been shown this amount of affection. He didn’t have parents to take care of him as a child, having to rely on trial and error, mostly error at that. The most he’d get was a side hug from Sakura every now and then, a ruffle of his hair from Kakashi, maybe an arm around his shoulder. Whenever he was injured or sick he’d be healed and that would be the end of it - once his physical problems were gone no one was there to clean up the rest of the mess; no one to comfort him or make sure he was coping well. He was always the one being relied on for the comforting. It was taxing, Naruto constantly was the one who needed to swoop in and save the day. No one ever considered that he was the one breaking apart and needed saving. To be honest, Naruto had never felt this sort of closeness with someone; he’d barely had any physical interactions with people period.

Jiraiya frowned deeply, his heart breaking for the boy. “I won’t,” he whispered, continuing to rub the shampoo gently into Naruto’s scalp. Naruto tried to pull himself together as his fever broke and he was pulled back down into consciousness, but he was overwhelmed with anxiety and gratitude. No one had even attempted to show him this amount of kindness. It had been so long since he’d even imagined being this close with someone; he’d blocked even the possibility of feeling this way out of his mind. Now that it was actually happening he was stuck in a stunned stupor, not even attempting to fight back the tears on his cheeks. He wanted to thank Jiraiya but a part of him was terrified that speaking would break the spell; that Jiraiya would realize what he was doing, _who he was doing it to_ , and leave him again just like all those months ago after their first training session when he wouldn’t even give Naruto the time of day. So much had changed since then. No matter how much he felt like he pushed himself he felt like he’d just wind up taking two steps back. He perfected the rasenshuriken and then had it banned from his repertoire due to the collateral damage. He was quickly running out of time to get Sasuke back, only a few months remaining until they’d set out again, and he couldn’t even look himself in the mirror. He knew he’d fail. Jiraiya must have known too considering the fact he wouldn’t even be in the same room as him.

Jiraiya rinsed Naruto’s hair and placed the cup on the floor, pausing for a second as he waited for Naruto to move. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. This might be the last time he’d feel like this again. At that thought Naruto broke. He ripped the washcloth off his face and replaced it with his hands, sitting up in the tub in a feeble attempt to distance himself from Jiraiya. He couldn’t handle being rejected again so he figured it would hurt less if he did the rejecting. But he was too weak to run and his attempt to get up ended in him slipping back down into Jiraiya’s strong hands.

“Naruto, _stop,_ ” he demanded a bit harder than he meant to, “you’re going to get hurt,” he added more gently, getting a grip on Naruto’s upper arms to hold him firmly in place. Naruto gave up his struggle and pressed his palms into his eye sockets.

“It already _does_ hurt,” he cried, allowing himself to collapse upon Jiraiya’s chest. Jiraiya stayed silent for a moment, letting Naruto cry, fighting the urge to soothe him because he needed the kid to talk. He could feel how tense he was, it hung in the air like an all consuming smoke.

“You need to talk to me, I need to know what’s going on,” Jiraiya pressed, hugging the boy close to him. It took Naruto a minute to regain his composure.

“I-I can’t, you’ll just leave... You’ll just leave like everyone else...”

“I’m not going anywhere. But we do need to get out of this tub. I’m turning into a prune,” he joked, trying to lighten the tension.

Jiraiya helped Naruto up, wrapping a towel around his shoulders before guiding him back into their room, sitting him on the couch as he went to retrieve their clothes. They both dressed in silence - Jiraiya contemplating his next move as Naruto just wished he could disappear; get as far away as he could before he was rejected. Naruto sat on the couch sniffling, trying to ignore the pain exploding in his temples, exacerbated by his stuffy nose and tears. Jiraiya grabbed the blanket from his futon before wrapping it around Naruto’s shoulders.

“You’re my comrade; we eat together, fight together, live together, train together... I need to know what’s going on with you. You need to let me help you,” Jiraiya took a seat next to Naruto, staring at him patiently. Naruto just shook his head, hiding himself beneath the covers. He couldn’t face him; not while he was bearing his soul.

“If I’m honest you’ll just leave... N-no, you’ll leave regardless... just like everyone else. I’ll serve whatever purpose you have for me, and then I’ll be discarded with all the other things that have lose their usefulness,” he started, “I’m just a tool. Just a stepping stone in everyone’s journey. Once I serve my purpose I’m thrown aside. I save the girl, then she’s gone. I train with Sasuke and then he leaves to pursue power I can’t offer. I make promises and can’t keep them,” Naruto cried, shoulders shaking, stomach twisting into knots. "I-I'm a _monster,_ people just use me for the power that I have and then they leave. I'm disgusting. A reminder of a past that everyone just wants to forget. A reminder of _death,_ " Naruto felt anger starting to bubble up in his chest. "I took so much from everyone... from you... the Fourth Hokage... All I do is cause pain... _I shouldn't be alive,_ " the last part of his sentence was said in a whisper so quiet that it was barely audible, but Jiraiya felt as if it was screamed directly into his ears.

"Don't say that. That isn't true. You aren't a monster. And you didn't take anything from anyone. You saved the village. The Fourth Hokage did what he needed to do to protect the Village and he was damn proud to do it. Don't tarnish his name by saying that he was murdered; he sacrificed himself to save his people. To save _you_ also, Naruto," Jiraiya clapped a hand down on Naruto's shoulder, trying to comfort him. "Fuck what anyone else says, what anyone else does, I need you and that isn't going to change. I need you to be alive. You're my student and I'm going to protect you with both arms. I'm not going anywhere, and that's a promise. You're the strongest, hardest working, most incredible shinobi I have ever had the honor to train. Even stronger than the Fourth," Jiraiya tried to get a peek at Naruto's face but he was so tightly wound up in the blankets that all he could see was yellow hair. "Fuck those girls, fuck Sakura, fuck the Village, and honestly, _fuck_ Sasuke," Jiraiya spat angerly, "what matters is you. You're incredible, and you're going to be hokage one say. I swear on my life. I will help you reach that dream. You aren't a tool and you aren't worthless. The village needs you. _I_ need you," Jiraiya started to pull the blankets away. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised, finally finding Naruto's face among the duvet. Naruto looked up at him with his tear stained face, all puffy and red, but he could see the hope glimmering in his eyes for the first time in weeks. Naruto couldn't find the words to speak, he just threw his arms around Jiraiya's neck and allowed his teacher to hold him as he cried, short bursts of anguish and anxiety purging from his body. He sniffled weakly as the tears stopped, allowing himself to rest against Jiraiya. He wouldn't admit it, but Jiraiya's arms felt safe - they felt _right._ He didn't want to move, not yet. He needed to relish this moment as long as he could because he knew he'd likely never feel this safe again. 

Jiraiya just sat there, thoughts zipping through his mind too quickly to really hold on to any of them. He'd never let anyone bring out this side of him, let alone one of his students. Not even his old girlfriends had seen this side of him. But something about Naruto was different, especially when he was in such a state. For someone so optimistic and strong to fall this hard, something must seriously be wrong and it broke Jiraiya's heart. He needed to do whatever he could to help Naruto. He wasn't surprised that he'd pushed himself hard enough to break his own ribs, but he'd never expect a mental breakdown of this magnitude. However, with the way Naruto had been treated his whole life, he knew it shouldn't have come as a surprise. He knew he should have been helping him train mentally as well as physically, and he cursed himself for not noticing the signs sooner. ' _And now he wants to die,'_ he thought to himself bitterly, subconsciously gripping the boy to him even harder. ' _That won't happen, not to him, not while I'm around,'_ Jiraiya promised himself, allowing his eyes to close for some much needed rest.

They sat that way for a while before Naruto started to stir, swinging his legs over the side of the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. Suddenly he groaned, shivers traveling along his spine, a cold sweat breaking out on the back of his neck.

"Naruto...? You alright, kiddo?" Jiraiya asked lightly, placing a hand on Naruto's shoulder. Naruto groaned again, an arm wrapping around his abdomen defensively.

"I-I’m so nauseous," he choked out, wincing as his stomach felt like it was being stabbed by white hot stakes. Naruto had never really been sick like this due to the Nine Tailed Fox's healing abilities, so he wasn't coping well. The pounding pain in his head was blinding and he didn't know how to handle it, his stomach joining the revolt. He didn't know how to ease the pain, how to help himself to make it end. Naruto fought back the tears forming in his eyes, astonished that he even had any tears left to cry. Another searing cramp shot through his stomach and he gasped, bending forward into his knees over the edge of the couch to try to subdue the pain.

"It's alright, I've gotcha," Jiraiya soothed, gently rubbing Naruto's back.

" _M-Make it go away,_ " Naruto cried, fingernails digging into his side, trying to claw the pain away.

"I would if I could, kid. You just need to ride it out. I'll get you some water," Jiraiya offered, getting up from the couch to fill a glass with water from the bathroom tap. Naruto took the glass from his hand but just held it for a moment, contemplating.

"If I drink it I'll just throw up again," he muttered.

Jiraiya frowned and sighed, "that may be true but you need to try. You're definitely dehydrated and that'll make the pain worse," he plopped back down on the couch beside Naruto. The boy eyed the water suspiciously before taking a small sip. The water soothed his abused, dry throat and he started chugging large mouthfuls. "Not too much!" Jiraiya exclaimed, grabbing the cup from Naruto before he downed the whole thing. Naruto jumped a bit when Jiraiya took the cup from him, but he quickly understood what he meant. He felt the water flow into his empty stomach which promptly clenched, sending a torrent of pain through is abdomen. Naruto winced, folding back down into his knees in an attempt to squeeze the pain away. "Told ya," Jiraiya said sadly, pulling the blanket up around Naruto's shoulders to try to ease his shaking. Naruto felt a cold sweat breaking out over his body, his mouth filling with saliva.

“Ugh, I’m gonna puke,” a hand flew to his mouth before he gagged emptily over the ground between his knees.

“ _Shit,_ ” Jiraiya sprung into action, grabbing the metal garbage can in the corner of the room with lightning speed, shoving it into Naruto’s hands as he dry heaved. Naruto swallowed compulsively, fighting the bile attempting to crawl up his throat. He groaned sickly, trying to avoid the unavoidable. “Don’t fight it, you’ll only make it worse,” Jiraiya coached, “just let it out.” Naruto coughed and gagged, holding the can in a death grip as a stream of water and bile splashed into the can, the unmistakable sound of liquid hitting metal. “There ya go, I’ve gotcha,” Jiraiya soothed, brushing Naruto’s hair out of his eyes. Naruto’s stomach kept twisting, seemingly unending dry heaves wracking his body. Jiraiya waited a few moments for Naruto to calm down before reaching out for the can, “think you’re done?” Naruto spit into the can and then reached up and wiped his face on his sleeve, sniffling miserably.

“N-No,” he choked out before retching painfully.

“You’re all cleaned out, there’s nothing left. I’ll wash this out, the smell is definitely not helping,” Jiraiya stated as he took the can from Naruto, carrying it into the bathroom. He emptied the can into the toilet and then washed it out in the sink. He reached for a washcloth and wet it with cool water, squeezing out the excess water so it wouldn’t drip. He placed the can next to Naruto on the couch just in case he needed it again and took back his spot on the couch. Jiraiya pushed Naruto’s hair off his forehead, sticky with sweat, and placed the washcloth on his fever-hot skin. Naruto signed in relief, allowing himself to sink into Jiraiya’s lap as he tried to rest his exhausted body. Naruto fell asleep in Jiraiya's arms, nestled in his lap on the couch. Jiraiya's shoulders ached and his legs were cramping, but he didn't want to disturb Naruto. He held his breathe as he started to lift himself up off the couch, sliding the boy onto the cushions. Thankfully he didn't wake up and he was able to replace his lap with a pillow. Jiraiya sighed as he made his way over to his futon, grabbing the blanket from Naruto's half of the room as the boy was currently cuddled up with his. He laid down and began to let his mind wander. The way that Naruto was talking shook him to his core. The last person he knew who was talking like that wound up sacrificing themselves on a mission. ' _Over my dead body,'_ Jiraiya hissed to himself, squeezing his eyes shut to try to make the thoughts stop. ' _I need to do something about this, I need to help him.'_ With that he started drifting into a dreamless sleep.

———————————————

Jiraiya woke up some time later with a start, his eyes snapping open as some unknown noise awoke him. Something was wrong, alarm bells were going off in his head. He laid silently as he scanned the room for any danger. They were still alone but something was clearly amiss. “Naruto...?” he whispered sleepily as he glanced at the couch he’d left the younger man on; it was empty and the blanket and pillow was gone. He looked to Naruto’s futon and saw that empty as well. Instantly on high alert Jiraiya jumped up, prepared to put his shoes on to go looking for the boy. Just as he was about to throw his scroll onto his back he noticed the shine of light under the bathroom door. He padded over to the door silently, gently knocking against the wood. All he got in return was a series of violent dry coughs; deep and hacking, tearing and searing. “I’m coming in,” he announced as he turned the knob, taking in the scene in front of him. Naruto had made a makeshift bed on the bathroom floor, his pillow and blanket sitting on a few laid out towels. Naruto was on the ground in front of the toilet - his legs were bent on either side of him, sitting on his feet for leverage, one arm draped over the toilet seat as the other clutched his stomach. His head hung over the bowl as he struggled, so exhausted he could barely hold himself up. Jiraiya’s heart jumped into his throat as he stared down at the boy, wishing he could take away his pain. Just then Naruto let out a choked off sob, grimacing as a tearing pain ripped across his abdomen. He subconsciously pressed down a hand over the pain, crying out as the pain increased. Red flags were waving in front of Jiraiya’s eyes; _‘a regular upset stomach shouldn’t be this painful. I’ve seen him break almost every bone in his body and still pull himself up, this isn’t right.’_ Naruto glanced up at Jiraiya, his big deep blue eyes were glassy and filled with tears, his pupils slit like cat eyes, desperation obvious on his face as he clenched his fanged teeth. _‘The Fox is clearly trying to heal him but it doesn’t seem to be working, this isn’t good,’_ Jiraiya thought as he knelt down next to Naruto, one hand pressing back the sweaty hair on his forehead to gauge his fever as the other went to his stomach. As soon as his fingers pressed down on Naruto’s stomach the boy cried out in pain, rolling up onto his side to escape Jiraiya’s hand.

”Where does it hurt?” Jiraiya pried, letting his hand linger over Naruto’s too hot forehead, trying to comfort him however he could. Naruto groaned, struggling to straighten out his legs, his hand lingering over his left side.

“M-My stomach,” he hissed.

Jiraiya’s brows furrowed as he examined Naruto, concentrating chakra in his palm to prepare his basic medical ninjutsu, “that’s not your stomach, that’s your rib cage.” Jiraiya hovered his hand over the lower left side of Naruto’s ribs, quickly pulling his hand back. _‘All that coughing and puking must have disturbed his healing ribs; the bone is fractured and piercing his stomach,’_ he thought to himself, the situation instantly becoming dire. “Naruto, this is going to hurt like a _bitch_. Please try to stay still, I’ve gotcha,” Jiraiya murmured, concentrating his chakra to his hand again. His medical ninjutsu skills weren’t advanced enough to fix all of the damage that had been done but he could at least try to correct the bone fragment piercing Naruto’s stomach. As soon as he laid his hand down on Naruto’s rib the younger man yelped in pain, shaking violently as he tried to restrain from moving away from Jiraiya’s hand. Jiraiya cursed to himself as he healed Naruto; it was taking way too long. Normally it would take only a few quick moments to heal Naruto due to his natural healing abilities but now he was healing even slower than the usual person would, slower even than a person without any chakra control at all. “I’m so sorry, Naruto, just a little longer,” he promised, gripping his free hand down on Naruto’s shoulder to try to help hold him still. The pain was blinding, like his ribs were being shattered with a hammer as his stomach twisted into knots, it felt like his entire abdomen was being filled with liquid fire. _‘The bone is back in place and the hole is closed but I can’t do more. The bone is still broken and I can’t heal viral illness or heal the damage that has been done to his stomach other than repairing the tear, he’ll need to heal in his own time,’_ Jiraiya sighed with exasperation as he pulled his hand away.

As soon as Jiraiya removed his hand Naruto quickly shot up from his spot on the floor, grabbing the toilet seat with both hands. He retched violently and then followed it up with a painful fit of coughing. His stomach rebelled and clenched, forcing Naruto to cough up a dribble of bile. He sobbed silently as he clung onto the toilet seat, waiting for the next round of dry heaving. Jiraiya stood and grabbed a cup from the counter, filling it with cool water from the sink. He knelt down next to Naruto, placing the cup beside him as Naruto got sick. He rubbed the boys back gently. “I know you’re going to hate me for this, but you need to drink this water. It’ll hurt less to have water in your stomach when you get sick rather than leaving your stomach empty. You’re going to hurt your ribs,” Jiraiya said seriously, picking up the glass and holding it out for Naruto. The boy reached out a trembling hand, carefully taking the glass. He held it to his lips and slowly took a few sips before setting it down on the floor. He laid his head down on his arm over the toilet seat, waiting for the inevitable. His body allowed him to have a few moments to rest before it forced him to pitch forward, violently vomiting up the water. “You’re okay, I’ve gotcha,” Jiraiya encouraged for the nth time. Naruto coughed and retched miserably, feeling like his stomach was being torn to shreds, a string of saliva clinging to his lips. He heaved forward as another rush of liquid splashed into the toilet. Naruto coughed harshly as the heaving started to ebb. He spit into the bowl and then reached up to wipe off his mouth and stared at his sleeve with shock; blood. _“Fuck,”_ Jiraiya spat out as he glanced between the blood on Naruto’s sleeve and the bright crimson liquid in the bowl.

Naruto stared at his sleeve, unable to move his gaze, his eyes frozen wide. “Naruto? You with me?” Jiraiya asked at the boys sudden silence.

 _Blood. Blood on his hands. Everyone’s blood on his hands. All the people he couldn’t save, all the people he lost, all the people he killed. Visions of death and destruction flashed before his eyes; the Nine Tailed Fox taking over his body, absolute chaos, killing everyone he had ever cared about, chewing on a dismembered arm._ Naruto screamed, hyperventilating, eyes wide with panic. Everything went red, drowning in the metallic liquid.

The next thing he knew he was laying on his futon, a cool washcloth over his forehead and eyes. He groaned as he reached up to remove the cloth from his head but his hand was quickly swatted away. He shifted the cloth higher up so he could see, immediately coming face to face with Jiraiya who was sitting on his bedside. “You scared me there, kid,” he forced a smile, “you had internal bleeding from your rib piercing your stomach. I’ve fixed you up as best as I could but you need to stop puking so much; you’re gonna kill yourself!” Jiraiya tried to lighten the mood with a joke, but Naruto didn’t find it funny. He winced as he rolled onto his side away from Jiraiya.

 _“Yeah I wish,”_ he muttered, closing his eyes, wishing himself asleep.

“What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?” Jiraiya spat, gripping Naruto’s upper arm and forcing him to face him.

Naruto looked down ashamedly, “nothing. Just forget it, it doesn’t matter...” he whispered, ripping his arm out of Jiraiya’s grasp.

“What are you talking about? Of course it matters. We’re going to talk about this. _Now,_ ” Jiraiya demanded, moving to the other side of Naruto’s bed to force the boy to face him.

Naruto sat up with a wince, “no, it doesn’t matter. What do you care? All you care about is me doing my job. Well I’m done doing what other people want me to do. Just leave me alone,” he hissed, wrapping his arms around himself defensively.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why do I care? _Why do I care?!_ ” he said harshly, anger boiling inside of his chest. “If I didn’t care would I have been sitting here all day playing nurse? Does that _seem_ like a role I’d usually play? I’ve been up here all day taking care of your sorry ass. Look at the position you’ve put yourself into; you need to take better care of yourself. You need to get your shit together. After everything we’ve worked so hard on you want to just _give up?_ Throw everything away?” Jiraiya noticed his voice rising but he was too angry to control it. “And what about Sasuke? Let me guess, fuck that too, right? The Akatsuki? You’re just going to ignore them and let them take all the other Jinchuriki? Like Gaara? You’re just gonna drop everything so you can wallow in your shit? Not gonna happen. Not while I’m around. When did you get so _weak?_ ” Jiraiya hissed, seething with rage.

Naruto laid back down, pulling the covers high up around his neck. “Yeah, fuck Sasuke. Fuck the Akatsuki. _Fuck you,_ ” Naruto growled, hiding beneath his covers. Jiraiya couldn’t help but scoff, a sneer spreading across his lips.

“Alright, fuck me. Without me here you’d probably be _dead,_ bleeding out in the bathroom, or puking yourself to death. No rasenshuriken. No sage training. No work on becoming hokage. No _nothing,_ ” Jiraiya felt his hackles rising, his hands balled into fists. At this point he was standing, towering over Naruto’s small frame. “ _What the fuck is wrong with you?_ What happened? When did you become like this? What happened to that optimistic, energetic, head strong kid I used to know?” Jiraiya asked sadly.

“He grew up,” Naruto stated blankly.

“Yeah well if this is what growing up means to you I don’t like it. Since when have you been fine sitting by as people died? What about Sasuke? You’re just done trying to save him?! You’ll let Orochimaru use him as a vessel?! And what about the Akatsuki!” Jiraiya growled, “and you’re just done with your dreams of becoming hokage? You make me sick.” Jiraiya turned on his heels and plopped onto the couch with a huff, crossing his arms with anger.

“Join the club,” Naruto’s voice was muffled by the blankets. His complete lack of emotion and nonchalance really pissed Jiraiya off. He stood back up, face red with rage.

“I can’t with you. I’m _done._ I can’t speak to you when you’re like this. I... I just don’t get what happened to you,” Jiraiya scrubbed a hand over his face, preparing to grab his pack and leave the room.

“What happened to me? _What happened to me?!_ What _happened_ is that I’m _tired._ I’m so fucking tired. Why do _I_ need to stop the Akatsuki? Why do _I_ need to save Sasuke? Why do _I_ need to save _everyone?_ Why does no one give a fuck about _me_ \- ?” Naruto’s voice cracked as he choked back a sob, curling up under his blanket. He cleared his throat and tried again, “I just... I’m just so _tired_... I-I can’t do it... I can’t save Sasuke. I can’t stop the Akatsuki. I’m too _weak_. I’m _useless_. The Fox... the Fox is just going to wind up taking control of me anyway. He told me - “ Naruto sobbed, sniffling, “he told me he was going to take over my body and kill everyone I’ve ever cared about... he’d kill you while wearing my face, making me watch... he said he’d make me feel your bones crack.” The confession had Jiraiya floored and he felt guilt sweep over his body. “If I d-died... if I died he wouldn’t be able to... it would be on my terms. I can’t deal with the constant nightmares and flashbacks.. _I-I can’t do it anymore_ ,” at that Naruto broke, squeezing his eyes closed to try to stop the tears. He quietly sobbed, digging his nails into his palms. He was uncomfortable; he didn’t want to talk about this with anyone. It was his own issues, it no one else’s job to fix him. He didn’t want pity. He’d had enough pity growing up. He just wanted to be left alone. Jiraiya was stuck in a stunned silence; he felt like a complete piece of shit for what he had said. He had no idea how deep the issues went. All he knew was that something had to be done about the Fox. He knew the seal was weakening, but for the Fox to have this much control the seal must have been at its breaking point. 

Naruto’s sobs quickly devolved into a round of lung burning coughing, his ribs feeling like they were set ablaze. His hand flew to his mouth as his coughing turned to gagging and Jiraiya quickly crouched beside him, “let me help you,” he urged but Naruto was too upset. Naruto jumped up and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it before falling to his knees in front of the toilet. Jiraiya just sat on the floor stunned, his heart aching and racing. He stood up and followed Naruto to the bathroom, frowning when he found the door locked. He knocked gently, “Naruto, _please,_ let me help you,” Jiraiya urged, talking about both his current illness and also with the torment he was dealing with inside. The only answer he got in return was an awful, painful sounding retch followed by the sound of liquid hitting the bottom of the toilet. “Naruto, if you don’t answer me I’m going to assume you need help and kick this door down,” Jiraiya warned, anxiety spiking high. He heard Naruto sniffling before flushing the toilet.

“J-Just... just l-leave me alone...” Naruto’s voice wavered, unsteady from the tears threatening to stain his cheeks.

“Naruto...” Jiraiya started gently, but he was quickly cut off.

“No! J-Just leave me _alone! Just get the fuck out!_ ” he spat angrily before hissing as the pain flared up his side. He scooted backward and leaned against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut against his racing thoughts.

”Fine,” Jiraiya stated, turning on his heels as he reached for his pack and scroll. Just as he was about to leave he heard the bathroom door creak open. He turned around as Naruto stumbled out of the bathroom on shaky legs. He couldn’t hold up his weight anymore so he sunk to the ground, feeling like a helpless child. He stared up at Jiraiya, his face red and his eyes puffy, hair sweaty and disheveled, but all Jiraiya could see was his sad deep blue eyes, making Jiraiya's heart skip a beat. Jiraiya dropped his pack and stood next to Naruto to offer him a hand, but instead Naruto reached out and clung to his shirt.

 _"P-Please don’t leave me,”_ Naruto squeaked out, staring up at Jiraiya desperately, “ _not you too._ ”

Those eyes staring up at him, so sad and tormented, searching his own for some sense of comfort; craving a connection and love. That was it. That was all it took. Jiraiya knew in that instant that his heart belonged to Naruto. He vowed to himself to never let Naruto hurt like this again. He was going to take care of him regardless of the cost; they would get Sasuke back, they would defeat the Akatsuki, and Naruto would become hokage regardless of the sacrifices he'd have to make along the way. A sad smile spread across Jiraiya’s lips as he hugged the boy to his chest.

_“All you had to do was ask.”_

Jiraiya took Naruto’s hand and helped him to his feet, guiding him to his mattress. Naruto slid under his covers, shivering violently as he pressed his face into his pillow. He wanted to apologize but he couldn’t muster the words. He felt the mattress dip next to him, turning his face up to see what Jiraiya wanted. Jiraiya slid under the blankets next to Naruto, wrapping his arm around the younger man’s waist. Naruto bit his lip and froze, afraid to move.

” _I’m not going anywhere,”_ Jiraiya whispered into Naruto’s hair, holding him close as they drifted to sleep.


	2. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending the night trying to nurse Naruto back to health Jiraiya realizes he can no longer deny his feelings for him, and his feelings are reciprocated. They act on it, and afterwards Jiraiya feels guilty and tries to brush it off like it was no big deal, not realizing that he’d be the straw to finally break the camels back.
> 
> (yaoi, suicidal thoughts, mental breakdown, all hurt no comfort - yet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry this chapter is so short, I’ve been having a bit of writers block and this is what came out. in the chapter Jiraiya and Naruto do a bit of experimentation, but Jiraiya gets a bit too drunk and worries that Naruto will regret his decisions. he tries to brush off what happens and sends Naruto spiraling off the deep end. will Jiraiya be able to glue the pieces back together? Or has he broken Naruto for good?
> 
> as always feedback is always loved c:

Jiraiya blinked his eyes open, his eyelids heavy with sleep. He yawned and stretched out his arms, reaching out to his side to see if Naruto was awake but he found the spot empty. He sighed as he pulled the blankets off his legs, giving himself a moment to wake up before pulling himself to his feet. He yawned as he stumbled to the bathroom, tapping a gentle courtesy knock before opening the door. Jiraiya sighed as he walked into the small room, standing in front of the mirror. He reached for his toothbrush before turning on the sink, glancing sideways at Naruto. 

"You okay?" Jiraiya asked nonchalantly, squeezing some toothpaste onto his brush, wetting it under the stream of water.

"Just _peachy,_ " Naruto hissed from his spot on the floor, curled up in front of the toilet. He sniffled and then flushed the toilet, leaning his head against the wall as he allowed his eyes to close. He was utterly exhausted. He'd spent most of the night violently shivering from his fever and every time he was finally about to fall asleep he'd have to throw up again. At first he used the trash can that Jiraiya left on the floor for him but every time he’d get sick Jiraiya would wake up and feel compelled to help him, making Naruto feel guilty for disturbing his sensei’s sleep. So then he decided to use the bathroom, but then Jiraiya wound up following him into the bathroom as well, holding him, rubbing his back, forcing him to drink water, coddling him. At that point Naruto started to get annoyed, he just wanted Jiraiya to sleep. The next time he noticed Jiraiya falling asleep he silently slipped away, bringing the spare blanket with him, and holed up in the bathroom for the rest of the night. His plan worked and Jiraiya was able to get the sleep he needed while Naruto was left in peace.

“How long have you been sitting here?” Jiraiya asked once he was done brushing his teeth, a disapproving look in his eyes.

“A few hours. I got tired of you coddling me,” Naruto sniffed, wrapping his blanket around his shoulders as he slipped passed Jiraiya, padding over to his mattress. He flopped into his pillow, wincing at the pain in his ribs as he attempted to get comfortable. 

Jiraiya smirked, “yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you know you love it.” He followed Naruto back into their room, slipping on his shoes. “I’m going to go grab some food and restock some of our supplies, you want anything?”

Naruto groaned, pulling the blanket over his head. “ _Please_ don’t talk about food,” his voice muffled, “and eat it before you get back. I don’t even want to _smell_ it.”

“Anything for you,” Jiraiya teased as he left the room, letting the door click behind him.

He brushed a hand through his hair as he made his way through the hallways of the onsen. There was a small town with a market right outside of the springs that Jiraiya was hoping to restock at. It was a pleasant walk and he spent most of it people watching. He always found it amusing watching the townspeople going about their lives, unburdened by the stresses of the Akatsuki. Every now and then Jiraiya felt jealous of them, of their ability to find such happiness surrounded by their families and friends, but then he’d remember that he had a higher purpose. Or maybe more so that he had an important mission; training Naruto. He had been perfectly content before blending into the background, working on his books as his land was preparing for war, but that had changed. He quickly came to the realization that he had to do whatever he could to prepare the next generation and help them achieve a peace that he was never able to feel throughout his life, and Naruto was the key. Jiraiya knew it as soon as he met the boy all those years ago; Naruto was the answer. He just needed to help him find his way, and right now that meant taking care of him as best as he could while he struggled through some shit. Normally a situation like this would piss him off. He was never the type to be all touchy feely and caring, nursing someone back to health when they were sick. But for some reason this was different. Last night when he was taking care of Naruto and the boy admitted to all the issues he was having mentally dealing with The Nine Tailed Fox something clicked into place. Jiraiya couldn't quite explain _what,_ but he could feel a difference inside of himself. A soft spot for Naruto, and an insatiable urge to protect him. Looking into Naruto's eyes as he begged him to stay... Jiraiya's heart filled with admiration. 

Jiraiya was pulled out of his thoughts as he came up to the market, line after line of quaint wooden stalls dotted the street, their brightly colored banners blowing in the wind. The smell of roasting chicken and dumplings floated on the air as children played on the road. Jiraiya took a few moments to take in the scenery before sighing deeply, heading into the market. It took him a few moments to find the dumpling stand and as soon as he found it he realized just how hungry he was; he was so caught up with Naruto the previous day he'd never had dinner. His stomach grumbled uncomfortably as he looked over the small menu. He placed his order and paid the man at the register, inhaling his dumplings so quickly he was surprised he didn't choke on them. 

"Ahhh, those were amazing!" Jiraiya sighed contently from his seat on a bench, leaning back as he basked in the sun. He rested for a few moments as he enjoyed the beautiful weather before moving on to the next shop on his list, a small medicine shop. He walked through the door and bowed his head slightly to the girl behind the counter. She was probably around her mid twenties, a pretty face, shoulder length honey blonde hair with choppy bangs, thin physique, and a super short skirt. Jiraiya smirked as he sauntered up to the counter. 

“Hey, beautiful. What’s a pretty thing like you doing working at a shop like this?” he purred, leaning his elbows on the cherrywood as he gave her a sly smile. The girl blushed and giggled, crossing her arms over her chest in a coy display that just so happened to press her breasts together. Jiraiya couldn’t help but take a glance.

”Oh you know, healing is my passion. Do _you_ need any of my healing?” the girl flirted back, batting her eyelashes. Bingo!

”Now that you mention it...” Jiraiya started flirtatiously, reaching out to caress the girls arm. Just as he was about to touch her skin, looking into her big sea blue eyes, a thought zapped into his skull. _She looked just like Naruto._ The thought made him freeze for a second before he slowly pulled his hand back. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “ _I_ don’t, but I do need some recommendations. Got anything for a bad stomach virus? And any healing cream, especially anything for broken bones?” he asked, suddenly serious.

The girl seemed taken aback for a moment at the sudden change of conversation but she quickly regained her composure, smiling brightly. “Got a sick kid at home?” she asked compassionately before turning to grab some items from the shelf behind her.

”Something like that,” Jiraiya murmured, pulling his wallet out of his pocket.

The girl threw the medicine in a bag and placed it in the counter for Jiraiya. “Luckily for you I have my own homemade healing cream, great for broken bones, sprains, strains, bruises... just about everything! I also threw in some ginger tea which should help with an upset stomach, along with a bottle of medicine that has great hydrating qualities,” she took the money from Jiraiya before slipping a piece of paper into his hand. “And that’s my number,” she winked before Jiraiya took the bag off the counter.

Jiraiya flashed her a quick smile, “thank you.” As he left the store he absentmindedly shoved the piece of paper in the bag, heading back to the onsen to check on Naruto. He had been gone a bit longer than planned and he was starting to get nervous. Along the way he made a quick stop and purchased some plain chicken broth that he hoped Naruto would be able to stomach along with some of the boys favorite snacks and treats before hurrying back down the road.

———————————————

Jiraiya used his key and closed the door quietly, hoping Naruto was able to catch up on some sleep while he was gone. He tip toed into the room, turning a corner into the main room. He frowned as he saw Naruto kneeling on his futon, slumped over the garbage can as he got sick. Jiraiya sighed, placing the bag on the counter before heading over to Naruto.

”Still feeling sick, huh?” he asked sadly, crouching down onto the floor beside Naruto.

"Y-yeah," Naruto was able to stammer before vomiting up a stream of water and bile. Jiraiya reached over and rubbed Naruto’s back as he gagged and retched miserably. Finally Naruto sniffled and spit into the can, wiping his face on his sleeve. He laid back down and pulled the blanket tight against his body as he broke out in a cold sweat.   
  


_‘Poor kid can’t catch a break,’_ Jiraiya thought as he reached out to feel Naruto’s forehead, checking for a fever. “You’re burning up,” Jiraiya winced as he felt the heat rolling off of him in waves. Naruto leaned into Jiraiya’s hand, seeking comfort. “Hold on, I got some stuff for you,” Jiraiya said, getting up off the floor and walking into the small kitchenette where he placed the bag. He hastily took the whole bag back into the room with him, shuffling through it quickly and removing the teabags and soup. He handed the bag to Naruto and headed back to the kitchen, grabbing a teakettle from the cabinet. He quickly filled it with water and placed it on the stove, lighting the flame. He took a small pot and placed it on another burner, filling it with the soup so it could reheat. Naruto weakly shuffled through the bag and removed the medicine, placing the bag on the ground next to his bed.

”Huh?” Naruto said to himself as he noticed a piece of paper stuck to the bottle. A phone number? Naruto narrowed his eyes as he stared at the paper, the curly handwriting ended with a heart. 

“Oh, the girl at the shop said that stuff will help, you should take some now,” Jiraiya called from the kitchen as the kettle started hissing. He poured the hot water into a cup over the teabag and carried it to Naruto’s bed. He saw Naruto sitting up, staring at something in his lap. “What’s up?” he asked as he placed the cup down, recognizing the paper in the boy’s hand.

As Naruto examined the paper he felt an odd emotion creeping up inside. Was he jealous? No, he didn’t really care that Jiraiya had picked up some girl, that wasn’t necessarily a rare occurrence. So what was this feeling? His eyes widened as he realized he was angry at the girl for flirting with Jiraiya; he wasn’t jealous of Jiraiya... he was jealous of the _girl. “O-oh, nothing,”_ Naruto quickly shoved the paper back into bag. He reached for the cup and picked it up in his hands, relishing it's warmth.

”Don’t worry, Naruto, I’m not planning on calling her,” Jiraiya stated.

Naruto blushed, “why would I care either way?” he grumbled as he held the tea up to his mouth, taking a small sip. The tea warmed him up from the inside out, settling his uneasy stomach. He let out a shaky breath as he reached for the medicine Jiraiya had gotten him, unscrewing the lid and taking a sip. He scrunched up his nose at the awful, acidic taste, taking a sip of his tea to try to get rid of the aftertaste. Naruto sat the cup down and then pulled up the covers, a light shiver rolling down his spine. 

“I know you’re not gonna want it but I brought you some soup, it’s heating up now. You need to try to eat something,” Jiraiya said as he went back into the kitchen, waiting for the soup to boil. As soon as it was hot he poured it into a bowl, grabbing a spoon and heading back into their room. He handed it to Naruto and then sat on the couch as Naruto slowly worked on his soup. He couldn’t get through more than half of it before he set it down and curled back up in bed.

"Feel any better?" Jiraiya asked gently. Naruto gave him an unconvincing nod as he squeezed his eyes tight, willing his stomach to let him sleep. Jiraiya yawned and stretched as he laid down on his own mattress over the covers, "a nap sounds great right about now," he sighed lazily, folding his arms underneath his head. He laid there for a little while just staring at the ceiling, allowing his mind to wander. He glanced at Naruto to check if he was sleeping and frowned as he watched him shiver and shake.

Naruto's teeth quietly chattered as he hugged his arms to his chest, trying to warm himself up. He could tell by the sweat pooling on his pillow that he had a fever, but he was just so damn _cold_. He pulled his knees to his chest, miserably groaning as he gave up trying to find warmth. Suddenly he felt something being spread across his body and he looked up, watching as Jiraiya spread his own blanket over Naruto's trembling frame. Jiraiya knelt next to Naruto's futon before lifting the covers and sliding in next to him, his strong hands reaching out to the younger man before pulling him close, nestling Naruto's head under his chin. 

"I'll keep you warm," Jiraiya mumbled sleepily.

Naruto balled his hands into fists, his eyes burning as he fought away tears. _'Why is he being like this? Why does he care?'_ Naruto thought to himself bitterly, _'how can he go from disappearing for weeks on end to taking care of me like this? I don't deserve it, I'm only wasting his time.'_ He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut as a pain spread through his stomach, subconsciously pulling his knees tight to his chest. He stifled a gag and swallowed hard, willing his stomach to settle.

"You okay?" Jiraiya asked gently.

"I-I think I'm gonna be sick," Naruto groaned, trying to breathe slowly through his mouth. Suddenly he felt Jiraiya's hand snaking it's way over his waist and to his abdomen, slowly and gently rubbing his stomach in circles. The feeling was so foreign that at first Naruto just sat there with his eyes wide, holding his breath. He'd never had anyone do this for him. He'd seen mothers do this for their sick children, but he had never been able to experience it for himself. He had to admit, it helped more than he thought it would. He couldn't help but sigh with relief as his stomach finally started to settle, sinking deeper into his pillow. He bit his lip as his heart flip flopped in his chest, anxiety mounting. What's happening? Why is Jiraiya doing this? He was always so strict. Normally if he was sick Jiraiya would just leave him on his own for a few days, give him some privacy, maybe bring some food to make sure he's alive. But this... this feeling... it was too much. It overwhelmed him, crashing over him in waves. He wanted to run, but the other half of him wanted to stay, begging for this sort of connection. There was something else there, too. Something deeper, harder to identify. He didn't want to identify it, but it was screaming in his head, begging to be heard. Naruto tried to concentrate on it, trying to drag it out of the shadows.

Jiraiya smiled to himself as he felt Naruto relaxing again. He felt the boy's soft hair rubbing against his cheek, warm and vanilla scented. Jiraiya breathed in deep, allowing his eyes to close as he rubbed Naruto's stomach, happy that he could do something to help. As Naruto heard Jiraiya's breath in his ear, strong hands on his body, something stirred inside him. Something warm, something _primal_. And suddenly as Jiraiya's hands traveled near Naruto's hips the side of his hand rubbed against the tip of Naruto's hard cock, eliciting a sharp gasp from him as his nerve endings went crazy, way too sensitive due to his fever. They both froze instantly. Naruto's eyes snapped open, holding his breath, his hands shaking and sweaty. _'Oh shit, what the fuck just happened,'_ Naruto thought to himself, afraid to move, afraid to speak. Jiraiya's hand was still pressed against his lower abdomen and he could feel his hand quivering. Naruto didn't know what to do, his head was spinning, temples exploding with pain from his spike in blood pressure, causing his hands to go flying to the sides of his head, trying to squeeze the pain away. Naruto winced, tears springing to his eyes, he couldn't take it, he had to run, _he had to get the fuck out and -_

" _I've gotcha,_ " Jiraiya whispered into his ear, slowly dragging his hand up Naruto's body, caressing his neck, and finally stopping at his cheek. He wiped away his tears and then pressed two fingers to Naruto's temple, gently applying pressure and massaging the pain away. Naruto let out a shaky sigh as the pain in his head receded, his heart still hammering in his chest.

"Better?" Jiraiya asked quietly, letting his fingers linger on Naruto's cheek. Naruto just nodded, unable to speak, shaking with anxiety. Jiraiya's hand traveled back down Naruto's body, taking his time, stopping at his stomach and hesitating for a moment before going back to his task, rubbing Naruto's stomach. Naruto's hand clenched his pillow, Jiraiya's touch sending shock waves through his body, eliciting a barely audible moan. Jiraiya's fingers paused right above the waistline of Naruto's sweatpants. "Do you want me to stop?" the older man purred and Naruto could only shake his head, his cheeks flushed. Jiraiya nodded, nestling his face in the crook of Naruto's neck. Naruto could hear Jiraiya's panted breaths, feel the warmth of his breath on his skin. Jiraiya's hand traveled over Naruto's upper thigh, rubbing and teasing, before slipping his fingertips between his inner thighs. Naruto could feel the heat growing in his groin, his body tingling, breath coming in short spurts. He parted his legs slightly as Jiraiya gripped his inner thigh, his hand traveling upwards, just barely grazing Naruto's hard cock. Jiraiya picked his hand up, purposely not touching Naruto's dick as he rested his hand above Naruto's waistband. He slipped a finger below the elastic, tracing the line so slowly, so agonizingly slow, and Naruto moaned quietly, begging for friction. That set Jiraiya off; he grinded his hips against Naruto's ass, taking advantage of their spooning position. The feeling of Jiraiya's erection against his ass made him gasp, hands tightly clutching his pillow. He'd never been with another man before and had only so much as got to second base with a girl. These new feelings were sending him into a frenzy; unfamiliar territory that made his head spin. Jiraiya was experienced, he knew just how to push Naruto's buttons in all the right ways.

 _"Take them off,"_ Jiraiya whispered into Naruto's ear, the feeling of his breath on his fever hot skin made him shiver with anticipation. Naruto took his pants off so quickly that he almost ripped them, making Jiraiya chuckle. "Careful, you're sick, you need to go easy," Jiraiya's voice was so tender, so genuine. Jiraiya's strong hand took its time exploring Naruto's body, fingertips lingering over his neck, dancing over his collarbone, then caressing his nipple. Naruto gasped as Jiraiya gently squeezed the nub while allowing his lips to graze Naruto's ear. Naruto whined desperately, his cock aching for release. Jiraiya's hand continued it's journey, stopping again on his inner thigh. He gave Naruto's thigh a squeeze before finally skirting his fingertips over Naruto's erection. Naruto moaned and bucked his hips forward, searching for friction. Jiraiya slowly took Naruto's length into his hand over his boxers but didn't move, teasing the younger man further. Naruto had enough; he quickly turned over to face Jiraiya, propping his leg up on Jiraiya's thigh. As soon as he was on his side he closed the distance between them, mashing their lips together. Naruto kissed the older man deeply, panting against his lips as he grinded his hips against Jiraiya's erection, barely getting any traction due to the layers of clothing.

" _Off,_ " Naruto growled, his pupils blown, cheeks flushed. Jiraiya complied but left his boxers on; he wanted this to be about Naruto, not him. Naruto moaned as he was finally able to rub his length against Jiraiya's, sloppily jumping back into the kiss, nipping Jiraiya's bottom lip. Jiraiya gasped at the sharp pain, gently trailing his tongue against Naruto's bottom lip. Naruto's lips parted, giving Jiraiya access. Jiraiya took in Naruto's taste, his hand reaching between their hips. “ _Ah - !_ ” Naruto gasped as Jiraiya’s hand rubbed against his cock, his cheeks flushed a bright crimson, feeling so vulnerable beneath Jiraiya’s grasp. His hips stuttered as Jiraiya stroked his length through the thin fabric. Naruto was frozen in place, his head lolling against the pillow, lips slightly parted as he panted along with Jiraiya’s strokes. Suddenly Jiraiya was moving, laying Naruto down on his back and slipping his boxers off. He paused for a moment on his knees at the end of the mattress, taking in the view. Naruto’s huge cock was throbbing, leaking precome. His whiskered cheeks were red, pink lips parted and slick with saliva, pupils blown. His hair was messy and his eyes were glassed over, seeping with desire. ‘ _He’s perfect,_ ’ Jiraiya thought to himself, absolutely enamored with the blond.

” _P-please -,_ “ Naruto whined, wriggling his ass on the mattress. Jiraiya smirked, laying next to the younger man as he sucked him back in for a kiss. Jiraiya took hold of Naruto’s erection, stroking the shaft before focusing on the head, his thumb grazing over the slit. Naruto whined again, wanting more. Jiraiya grabbed Naruto’s face before tracing his lips with his fingers, allowing his pointer finger to dip into his mouth. Naruto allowed his finger in, twirling his tongue around it, moaning as he felt heat coiling in his stomach. He sloppily sucked on Jiraiya’s finger as he jerked him off, edging closer and closer to his release. Just as he was about to cum Jiraiya let go of his cock, causing it to make a lewd slapping sound as he dropped it. Naruto gasped as his orgasm was denied and Jiraiya quickly took his finger out of Naruto’s mouth, a string of saliva following behind it. Jiraiya reached down and squeezed Naruto’s asscheek, causing the boy to rut into his upper thigh. He swirled his spit slick finger around Naruto’s opening slowly.

 _”A-ah, please!_ ” Naruto’s voice quivered, gripping Jiraiya’s side. Jiraiya had a sly grin on his face as he teased Naruto’s opening, neglecting his aching cock. He slowly inserted the tip of his finger as Naruto rocked back on it, forcing in his full digit. “Eager, aren’t you?” Jiraiya purred into Naruto’s ear, kissing and nipping his neck as he fingered his hole. Jiraiya could feel how high Naruto’s fever was by the heat of his entrance and he began to grow concerned and guilty. He started to consider stopping when Naruto gripped onto Jiraiya’s shirt. “ _Mmh -,_ ” Naruto stuttered his hips as Jiraiya fingered his opening, forcing a quicker pace. After a moment Naruto couldn’t take it anymore, he needed _more._ “P-please, _fuck me,_ ” he begged lewdly, coming apart on Jiraiya’s fingers. Jiraiya frowned at the boy, “not now, not yet. This is about _you,”_ he stated, pressing his lips against Naruto’s. Naruto wrapped his leg over Jiraiya’s hip as he added a second finger, letting out a moan himself as Naruto dry humped him desperately, their cocks rubbing against each other.

Naruto’s head fell forward into the crook of Jiraiya’s neck as he felt the pressure building in his groin, his erection throbbing painfully as it begged for release. Just then Jiraiya’s fingers grazed Naruto’s prostate for the first time, causing him to yell out with pleasure. Jiraiya used his other hand to jerk off Naruto, leaving the boy a sloppy, cursing mess. “ _F-fuck, d-don’t stop,_ ” Naruto stammered as he rocked back and forth between Jiraiya’s fingers and his grasp around his cock, thrusting wildly into his hand as the pressure built and built. “ _A-Ah, g-gonna cum_ ,” Naruto moaned, his head rolling back as stripes of cum coated both of their stomachs. Naruto thrust into Jiraiya’s hand a few more times before collapsing upon the mattress, completely spent. He panted as he stared at Jiraiya, confused, anxious, and absolutely satisfied. He had no idea what to say, but thankfully Jiraiya didn’t expect anything, he just stood up and headed to the bathroom, grabbing some tissues to clean them up. He wiped the cum off Naruto’s chest before cleaning up his dick and backside, helping the younger man get dressed. Naruto’s legs were weak and shaky and he felt useless. He fell back onto the pillow, almost immediately falling into a deep sleep.   
  


———————————————

When Naruto awoke Jiraiya was gone, a piercing silence taking his place. At first Naruto was convinced that their encounter was a dream, but he could tell by Jiraiya’s scent on his pillow and the slight ache in his legs that it was real. He laid still for a while contemplating what this meant for them. Part of him was afraid, uncomfortable and ashamed, while the other half was elated. A twinge in his stomach reminded him of his sickness and he reached up for his medicine, taking a long pull of the bottle before scrunching up his nose from the taste. He pushed himself up on shaky legs and headed for the kitchen, filling a glass with cool water. He took a few small sips before laying back down. Naruto closed his eyes and tried to relax when he heard the door slam open. He jumped as he sat up quickly, startled and shocked.

Jiraiya stumbled into the room reeking like sake and smoke. Naruto’s nose wrinkled as the smell assaulted his nostrils. “Oh! Hey, Naruto! You’re finally awake,” Jiraiya drunkly staggered to the couch, plopping onto the cushions with a sigh. 

Naruto hesitated for a moment as he narrowed his eyes at his teacher. “Yeah, I guess... how long was I out?” he asked, surprised by how weak his voice sounded.

”At least a few hours now, I figured I’d clear out so I wouldn’t disturb you,” Jiraiya commented, speaking much louder than he intended. Naruto winced as the noise caused a throbbing pain to form in his temples just as he was starting to think that he was getting better. He laid back down with his back facing Jiraiya, unsure how he was supposed to feel about what happened earlier. He wanted to talk about it, but he was also afraid of what the answer would be.

”So about earlier...” Naruto started, happy that he couldn’t see Jiraiya’s face from his position on the floor. He felt his cheeks flush as he relived the experience in his head, how amazing Jiraiya’s fingers felt inside of him.

”Oh, that,” Jiraiya said flatly, slurring. He was completely wasted, seeing double. He suddenly started laughing which annoyed Naruto; he was hoping to have a serious conversation and instantly regretted bringing it up with Jiraiya when he was so drunk. He should have known that this wasn’t going to go smoothly, something about Jiraiya was off, but he remained hopeful. Jiraiya was so tender and loving to him, the way Naruto felt when he was held in his arms made him lightheaded and warm inside, a feeling that was hard to come by. The last few weeks Naruto could feel himself slipping into a dark depression, thinking about killing himself frequently, the sake singing him to sleep every night while Jiraiya was gone. The Nine Tailed Fox was tormenting him daily, but the last few days with Jiraiya the Fox was completely silent, giving Naruto hope that he’d be able to overcome.

”That was a mistake, Naruto. We can’t do that again. I had a moment of weakness... you understand, right?” Jiraiya had a stupid grin on his face. Naruto slowly sat up, facing Jiraiya. His chest burned with rage. He wanted to yell at him, throw shit, punch something - but he was too weak. He opened his mouth to respond but Jiraiya interrupted him. “You know me, I love the ladies! I just felt bad for you... it was a one time thing. Besides, I just met up with that girl from the shop at a bar earlier and I think I’m going over her place tonight,” Jiraiya giggled.

Naruto’s mouth snapped shut, everything that he was about to say just slipped from his mind. He _felt bad_ for him? He kisses his lips and jerked him off and touched him so tenderly because he _felt bad?_ Naruto cleared his throat as he felt tears welling up in his eyes, trying to fight them away. _‘I should have known... he was just using me, just like everyone else. I’m worthless, just a toy to him. He got what he needed and now he’s done with me,’_ Naruto thought to himself, hands clenching in his lap. He rose to his unsteady feet and took a few steps forward, ready to rip into Jiraiya, when he heard a snickering in his head. _‘I told you, boy. He’ll never want you like you want him. He made you want him, grooming you and nursing you back to health, so he could throw you away like trash, giving you what you deserve,’_ the Fox’s ominous voice boomed in his head. Naruto covered his ears with his hands, sinking to his knees, squeezing his eyes shut as his tears threatened to spill. He tried to block out the voice but failed since it was _inside_ of him. _‘Shut up... just SHUT UP! You don’t know anything!’_ he yelled at the Fox internally, hands still clamped over his ears. The Fox laughed at him, _‘stop trying. No one cares about you. Give in to me and I’ll take care of all of these people for you. They’ll never hurt you again.’_

”SHUT UP!” Naruto yelled out loud, tears spilling over his cheeks. Suddenly he felt a hand on his back. He whipped his head to the side and saw Jiraiya standing over him with a concerned look on his face. He quickly shut his eyes again, not wanting to face him when he was in this condition.

“Naruto... what’s going on?” he asked, wavering on his feet. Naruto sobbed, confused and scared, his heart thrumming in his chest. He could still hear the Fox laughing in his ears as his vision started to go red and dark around the edges, everything spinning and shimmering. Naruto shook his head hard, trying to take control back. He felt Jiraiya’s hands on his face, in his hair, on his forehead, trying to pry his hands off his ears. 

“Just STOP! JUST FUCKING _STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME!_ ” Naruto yelled, trying to shake Jiraiya’s hands off of him. Jiraiya looked terrified, instantly sobering up at Naruto’s sudden breakdown. He thought he was telling Naruto what he wanted to hear. He now realized that he did the exact opposite, causing Naruto more pain than he’d already been in. After he left the room earlier a deep guilt set in and he started to convince himself that he’d taken advantage of Naruto while he was weak. He got drunk to take the edge off, and in his state he thought his best course of action would be to just laugh it off, act casual. He was sorely mistaken and he felt awful. His heart sunk in his chest as he tried to stop Naruto’s thrashing, attempting to get a grip on his shoulders.

”Naruto... _Naruto, stop!_ I’m sorry, I was wrong! I just thought that’s what you wanted me to say! _Please!”_ Jiraiya begged, tears stinging his eyes. But Naruto didn’t hear or see him, all he could focus on was the Fox’s cackling laughter in his ears as he taunted him. Naruto coughed and sobbed, desperate for the Fox to stop. All of a sudden he was silent and Jiraiya thought he was finally getting through to him. “ _Naruto...?_ ” he whispered, sniffling.

” _I’m gonna be sick,_ ” Naruto choked out as his hand flew to his mouth, struggling to get out of Jiraiya’s grasp so he could get to the bathroom or a garbage can but he didn’t have enough time. Jiraiya rushed to grab the can as Naruto vomited through his fingers, trying to bend forward so he wouldn’t get sick on himself but he failed, the rush of liquid splattering in his lap. 

”Oh shit, oh _fuck, I’m so sorry, Naruto, shit, fuck -,_ ” a string of curses erupted from Jiraiya as he shoved the garbage can into Naruto’s hands in time for round two. Naruto retched up another dribble of bile, his body too weak and exhausted to fight, allowing wave after wave of vomit to splash into the can. “Fuck, Naruto, I’m so sorry - _god damn it,_ ” Jiraiya couldn’t do anything but watch as Naruto puked, jumping up to grab him some water and a wash cloth to clean him up. When Jiraiya came back Naruto was trying to strip out of his pants but the feeling of the warm vomit soaking into the fabric made his stomach flip. He heaved onto the floor between his hands and Jiraiya winced at the sound of it hitting the hardwood. “God _damn it,_ Naruto, just _stop, calm down,_ I’m here, it’s okay,” Jiraiya was panicking and was astonished at the amount of curses he was spitting out, darkly thinking that he must have broken a personal record. He helped Naruto pull off his pants, grabbing the wet washcloth. Naruto sobbed and shook, grabbing on to Jiraiya’s shoulder to help hold him steady. Jiraiya wrapped him up in his arms, repeatedly apologizing. He carefully wiped his face with the washcloth, his heart absolutely demolished, millions of broken pieces. Jiraiya cleaned him up and got a new pair of pants for him, struggling to pull them up on his own as Naruto was no help, laying in a heap. 

”God, Naruto, what’s _going on?!_ ” Jiraiya asked harshly, taking the boy in his arms again. He felt so small in his arms, so weak, _so broken._ Every time Naruto tried to answer he wound up choking on his tears, hiccuping and coughing, until Jiraiya hushed him, having to resort to rocking him back and forth in an attempt to calm him. Jiraiya was terrified, he’d never seen Naruto like this, and he knew he was at fault, at least partially. He knew the Fox was tormenting him, he should have known that brushing off their encounter wasn’t the right thing to do, but at the moment he thought Naruto’s issues went much deeper than that. He didn’t know what to do other than repeatedly apologize and curse himself.

Once Naruto started to calm down Jiraiya placed him back in bed and started to clean up the mess while his heart ached. He felt tears stinging his eyes and he didn’t even try to fight them. He fucked up. _Bad._ He had hurt Naruto and he hoped and prayed that it wasn’t enough to ruin what they had. He prayed it wasn’t enough to break him for good.


	3. Sharp Objects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is dangling over the edge. He can't cope and he can't comfort himself. He's out of options. Jiraiya leaves for a short mission and the Nine Tailed Fox uses this opportunity to make the final push. Can Jiraya save Naruto before it's too late? 
> 
> (yaoi, suicide attempt, self harm, alcohol abuse, gore, hallucinated character death, EXPLICIT CONTENT)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so seriously. this chapter is SUPER FUCKING BLEAK. PLEASE do not read this if the mentions of suicide, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, graphic gore, or hallucinated character deaths get to you. I can promise now that there are no non-canonical character deaths in this fic, but there is a hallucinated one as well as a very close (very detailed) suicide attempt. if you just want to get straight to the hurt/comfort I'd wait for the next chapter, but please understand that the next chapter also talks about the suicide attempt frequently.
> 
> I apologize in advanced for how brutal this wound up being.

Naruto slowly awoke, blinking the sleep from his eyes. It took a moment for the events of the previous night to come back to him, but once he remembered he couldn’t help but groan, turning over onto his back. Immediately he felt Jiraiya’s hand on his chest, causing him to jump. “You okay, kid?” Jiraiya gently asked from his position next to Naruto’s bed, dark bags accentuating his eyes. Naruto glared at the older man, turning back onto his side to avoid his gaze.

”I’m fine,” he mumbled weakly. He laid still for a moment to take a personal inventory; his headache was almost completely gone but his stomach was still uneasy. At this point he didn’t think he was sick anymore, just extremely stressed and upset. 

”You’re _not_ fine. We need to talk about last night,” Jiraiya stated, wanting to reach out and take Naruto into his arms but he resisted. He had spent most of the night taking care of Naruto as he slept restlessly; every time Jiraiya thought Naruto was finally falling asleep he'd start shaking, his hands gripping his head. Jiraiya didn't know, but the Fox was back full force, trying to torture Naruto by not letting him sleep, constantly whispering stories of chaos and gore in his ears. All Jiraiya saw was Naruto desperately grabbing his head, tears freely streaming down his face as he begged _something_ to stop. Jiraiya was absolutely terrified, he couldn't tell whether Naruto was in pain or just begging the thoughts in his head to stop; whether the thoughts were his own mind coming apart or the Nine Tails’ doing he wasn’t sure. He'd never had to deal with anything like this before and he had no idea what to do since he couldn't get Naruto to open up to him. He couldn't even be mad at the boy because he thought it was _his_ fault. After their sexual encounter the day before Jiraiya began to be consumed with guilt, convincing himself that he'd somehow taken advantage of Naruto. He tried to laugh it off, act like it was just a casual encounter, nothing serious, but Naruto needed to hear the exact opposite. And that's when the flood gates were opened. Naruto felt as if he was being rejected again and the Fox took advantage of his vulnerable state, continuing it's mission of trying to get Naruto to break and finally relinquish his control, allowing the Fox to take over. Naruto was fighting to keep the Fox at bay, trying to ignore it and not give it what it wanted, but at this point that was basically impossible. 

"Well I'm fine now. I was sick, and now I'm not. I'm _fine,_ " Naruto repeated, just wanting to be left alone. Jiraiya narrowed his eyes, unsure how to proceed. He knew that pressing Naruto about this wouldn't end well, he didn't want him to feel forced to talk about it, but at the same time he was terrified that it would happen again. Or that Naruto would do something stupid. Jiraiya opened his mouth to respond but thought better of it, vowing instead to just stick to the boy like glue and not let him out of his sight. "I'm taking a shower," Naruto mumbled, pulling himself to his feet, surprised at how weak he felt. It was like all of the energy in his body was being siphoned off, making his head spin. _'I'm just taking what's mine; without me this is what you'd feel like all the time,'_ the Fox chuckled in his ears. Naruto wavered on his feet and was immediately steadied by Jiraiya, disapproval obvious on his face, but he didn't want to argue with Naruto when he was in this state.

"Good, you're starting to smell a bit ripe," Jiraiya chose to joke instead of forcing Naruto to sit back down. "I'm going downstairs to get some food for us, you need to eat something," Jiraiya ordered, unable to stop himself from staring at Naruto’s way too thin physique. Naruto just nodded as he entered the bathroom, gently closing the door behind him. He stood still for a moment as he waited to hear Jiraiya leave their room. As soon as he was sure the older man was gone he slipped his clothes off, being careful not to disturb his broken ribs. A huge bruise wrapped around the side of his chest where his rib and stomach were injured, an obvious sign that the Fox wasn't healing him. _'Lets see how long you can last before you come crawling back, begging for my help,'_ the Fox stated coldly. Naruto gritted his teeth, trying with all his might to ignore the Fox, not wanting to give it the satisfaction of a response. He turned on the taps and then turned to the mirror as he waited for the water to adjust. His rib cage was clearly visible through his skin, casting an unhealthy shadow. He was much too pale and his eyes looked dull, sad and lost. His stomach was growling with hunger and his weight loss disappointed him but he was afraid to eat. When the Nine Tails first started its revolt one of its favorite tactics was messing with Naruto’s senses. First it made food tasteless. Once it realized that wasn’t working it started messing with Naruto’s perception; making the food taste rotten or making it look like it was covered in maggots. Every now and then he’d be able to eat without issues but his weight loss was obvious.

He frowned at himself as he turned towards the shower, reaching a tentative hand in to check the temperature. He slowly stepped in and just stood under the water for a moment, imagining his sins washing down the drain. He quickly washed his hair and rinsed it under the jets, sighing as the warm water relaxed his tense muscles. Naruto reached out for the body soap and lathered it in his hands, enjoying the fresh scent spreading throughout the bathroom, rising with the steam. Suddenly images of the other night popped into his head; Jiraiya washing his hair for him, gently massaging his scalp, the amazing feeling of his big hands rubbing his body clean. The feeling of his fingers in his ass, spreading him wide, working hard to make him cum. Naruto shuddered as his soapy hand traveled over his hard cock, nearly gasping at the sensation. He was dripping precome, throbbing painfully, needing release. 

He moaned quietly as his soapy hand stroked his length, imagining the way Jiraiya's hand felt wrapped around his cock. He panted as he leaned his forehead against the wall, his free hand sliding along his hips before resting hesitantly above his tight opening. He pressed the pad of his finger down, teasing himself, just barely dipping it in. He rubbed his entrance, experimentally dipping his finger in further, unfamiliar territory. Naruto gasped as he took in his finger down to the knuckle, just barely grazing his prostate. His legs shook with pleasure as he jerked himself off while fingering his opening, moaning freely at the newly discovered sensations, unable to restrain himself. He imagined the feeling of Jiraiya's cock thrusting into his ass as he added another finger, whining desperately as he neared completion, a slightly painful warm feeling coiling in the pit of his stomach. " _A-ah!_ " his hips stuttered as he thrust wildly into his hand, getting lost in pleasure. “ _F-fuck, Jiraiya,_ ” he moaned breathily, the mere mention of the older man’s name pushing him over the edge, ropes of cum getting washed down the drain. Naruto let his head rest against the shower wall as he panted heavily, trying to regain his composure. 

_‘Pathetic,’_ the Fox snickered in his ear, ‘ _he already told you it was a mistake._ You _are a mistake. Just give up. No one will ever love you. You’re doomed to be alone because of what you are. It’s all for naught; once you inevitably give in to me I’ll slaughter him, eviscerate him while I force you to watch._ ’ The Fox’s voice boomed in his ears, making Naruto shake with fright, showing him visions of Jiraiya being disemboweled with his bare hands while he helplessly watches through his own eyes. Naruto looked down at his hands and imagined them being covered in Jiraiya’s blood, gore under his fingernails. He felt sick and dizzy, gagging as the intrusive thoughts assaulted his mind. _Dirty. Unclean. Monster._ He tried to scrub his hands clean but no matter how much soap he used he still felt filthy. He turned the hot tap up as high as it would go, desperate to feel clean again. Naruto’s skin was red from the scalding hot water, burning and raw as he scrubbed his skin as hard as he could. Nothing was working, he could still imagine the blood coagulating on his skin. He shook uncontrollably as he turned off the taps, kneeling at the bottom of the tub as he attempted to get a hold of himself, struggling to overcome his cracking mind.

——————————

Jiraiya slowly walked down the hallway from their room, heading to the main floor so he could get them some food. He frowned as he imagined Naruto’s thin, shaking frame, hands clamped over his ears. He just felt so fucking _guilty,_ so unbelievably angry at himself for misinterpreting the situation. Naruto wanted him, _needed_ him, and he pushed him away just like everyone else had. The boy was sick (in more ways than one) and rather than being there to comfort him he had pushed him over the edge, pulling the ground out from his feet. Jiraiya didn’t know what to do to fix the situation. He was thankful that Naruto’s fever was going down but in some ways he was in even worse shape, and he was scared to think about the state of the boy’s mind. He admitted that the Nine Tailed Fox was messing with his head, trying to pressure him to break the seal once and for all, but he didn’t know how far the Fox was taking it. ‘ _That’s it, I’ll need to fix Naruto’s seal tonight, that’s the least I could do. Maybe that’ll finally put him at ease and he can start to go back to his usual self,_ ’ Jiraiya thought to himself, not totally convinced that the fix would be so simple, but he remained hopeful.

Jiraiya stopped in front of the main desk, offering the woman behind the counter a small smile. “Oh! Sir! A message came for you just a little while ago. It seemed urgent,” she explained with a smile on her face, turning towards a stack of papers behind her. She shuffled through the pile for a moment before retrieving a small sealed scroll. “Here it is!” she exclaimed cheerfully, handing the scroll to Jiraiya. “Is there anything else I could help you with?”

Jiraiya took the small scroll and placed it in his pocket. ‘ _This is from Tsunade,_ ’ he thought, curiously eyeing the seal over the flap before addressing the woman at the counter. “Yes, I’d like to order two servings of today’s lunch, please. Room two oh one,” he offered a kind smile. 

”Right away, sir, you have perfect timing! I’ll have someone bring it up in just a few minutes, lunch service is about to begin,” she have a small nod before notating Jiraiya’s order. Jiraiya bowed his head in thanks before turning away from the counter, making his way to a nearby bench. He took a seat and retrieved the scroll from his pocket, preparing his hand signs. “Release!” he muttered as the seal vanished, allowing him to open the parchment. He frowned deeply as he read over his orders, cursing in his head. ‘ _Shit, she’s got word from an ally nearby that has information about the Akatsuki’s movements and she wants me to interview them immediately,_ ’ Jiraiya rolled the scroll up and placed it back in his pocket. He didn’t feel comfortable leaving Naruto alone with everything that was going on, and he knew the boy was also in no shape for a mission right now, regardless of the rank, and regardless of how badly Naruto wanted to be alone. Jiraiya knew that the more someone pushed to be left alone the more they actually needed a shoulder to lean on. He had vowed to himself to stay by Naruto’s side, both to make sure he was taking care of himself and to try to mend their relationship. But an order was an order and legendary sannin or not he had to follow the direction of the hokage. ‘ _I’ll talk to Naruto about it and see how he responds,_ ’ he thought to himself as he got back on his feet, quickly heading back to their room.

——————————

When Jiraiya got back to the room Naruto was still in the bathroom. He could hear that the shower was off and he had the urge to check up on him but he didn’t want to work Naruto up again. He sat on the couch as waited for Naruto to emerge from the bathroom, keeping a watchful eye on the door.

Naruto grabbed his towel from the rack and wrapped it around his shuddering shoulders. He sat for a few moments longer, taking long deep breaths to try to calm himself. Once he felt more steady he dried off his hair and rubbed the towel across his skin. He silently got dressed and combed his hair, not daring to look at his reflection in the mirror; he didn’t feel strong enough to face himself. He placed the comb back on the counter and flung his towel over the towel rack to allow it to dry. He turned the doorknob and walked back into their room, glancing sideways at Jiraiya. 

Jiraiya sighed, preparing his thoughts. Just as he was about to speak there was a knock on the door. “Food’s here!” he exclaimed as he jumped to his feet, swinging the door open and greeting the man at the door happily. 

“Enjoy your lunch!” the man said as he partially rolled the serving cart over the threshold of their room. Jiraiya gave the man a thankful nod as he rolled the cart into the room, allowing the door to close behind him. “Ahh, this smells delicious!” Jiraiya smiled as he set their plates on the kitchen table, setting down their utensils before sinking into his seat on the floor.

”It does,” Naruto responded, forcing a smile. He hoped that the Nine Tails would let him eat in peace, he hadn’t eaten a real meal in days while he was sick and his stomach was completely empty, growling loudly. He settled down to his spot on the table and held his breath as he lifted the cover over his plate. He slowly lifted it, afraid to look, taking a tentative glance as soon as the cover was off. Large shrimp laid over a bed of white rice, covered in some sort of light vegetable sauce. Naruto sighed with relief, allowing an actual smile to cross his face. "This looks great, I'm _starving,_ " he beamed, picking up his chopsticks. Jiraiya smiled as he noticed Naruto's face light up, thankful that the boy was finally going to be eating something of substance, seeing a hint of the old Naruto shine through. Jiraiya picked up his chopsticks, snapped them apart, and dug in to his food, jokingly moaning as he bit into a shrimp which elicited a small giggle from Naruto.

Naruto slowly picked up one of the shrimp with his chopsticks and bit off a small piece, sighing as he realized that the food smelled _and_ tasted great, untampered with. He finished the first shrimp and eagerly started on his rice, the sauce offering just a hint of sweetness. The vegetables were slightly crisp and fresh, mingling perfectly with the large prawns. Just as Naruto was picking up another shrimp with his chopsticks his vision started shimmering. He lowered his hand as he tried to blink it away, feeling confused as it went away just as quickly as it had come on. He turned back to his food and cringed, seeing a severed finger held in his chopsticks instead of the shrimp. He felt all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he watched the rice morph into a bowl of writhing maggots. Stomach acid crawled up the back of his throat and he swallowed hard, putting the 'shrimp' down and hesitating for a moment, trying to focus as hard as he could to try to get rid of the illusion. 

Jiraiya watched Naruto as he ate, feelings slightly more comfortable as he saw his student happily eating his lunch. He was starting to think that he might be recovering, that maybe everything would just go back to normal. He decided that now would be the best time to bring up his mission; he wanted to get it over with while Naruto seemed to be doing a bit better so he could hurry back. "Hey, so, we need to talk about something real quick," Jiraiya stated, his mouth full. Naruto was happy for the distraction. He gave Jiraiya a nod, afraid to speak. "I got a note from Tsunade earlier. Seems like some guy located close to here might have some intel on the Akatsuki. She wants me to head over there and check it out - it shouldn't take more than a few days. You're still recovering and your ribs need more time to heal so I'm doing this one solo. Does that sound alright to you?" Jiraiya asked. Normally he'd just tell Naruto he'd be gone for a few days, disappearing in the blink of an eye, but with everything they'd been going through lately he wanted to be totally above board with him. He especially wanted Naruto's input; he didn't want to leave him alone again if he didn't feel comfortable with it. And in reality, Naruto _wasn't_ comfortable with it. At all. The Nine Tails always seems to be at it's worst when he was alone and he was terrified of what new tricks it had up its sleeve, but he was still angry with Jiraiya, the pain still fresh in his heart. 

"Yeah, sure," Naruto quickly stated, picking up the 'shrimp.'

Jiraiya nodded, "alright then, it's settled! I'll head out tonight and I should only be gone a few days." Jiraiya picked up his chopsticks and went back to his lunch. Naruto closed his eyes as he bit into the 'shrimp,' trying to force it down his throat. _It isn't real. It isn't real. I need to eat. This is just a shrimp. It tastes like a shrimp._ No matter how hard he tried his mind was losing control, feeling like he was chewing on coppery, rubbery, cold dead skin. That's it, he couldn't take it anymore. "Gotta piss," he mumbled, quickly getting to his feet and hastily walking to the bathroom, struggling to look nonchalant. He shut the door as calmly as he could and turned on the sink, hoping that would cover the noise. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet as he painfully regurgitated his lunch, barely having enough time to get to the toilet. He gagged harshly and his stomach churned as the semi digested food forced its way back up in waves, the stomach acid burning his throat. Jiraiya frowned from his spot at the table as he heard Naruto repeatedly vomit, just barely audible over the sound of the sink, sighing as he got to his feet. There was a knock at the door and Naruto could hear the concern in Jiraiya's voice, "you okay, kid? Did you get sick?" He couldn't answer, his entire body was overcome with shakes and he was afraid to open his mouth, not wanting to give Jiraiya anything to worry about. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, sliding down his cheeks. "I'm coming in," Jiraiya stated when he didn’t get a response. 

Once he turned the knob the corners of his lips turned into a frown, forehead creased with worry as he saw Naruto sitting in front of the toilet. Naruto couldn't meet Jiraiya's eyes, he felt so embarrassed, so ashamed. He was a mess. He didn't want Jiraiya to have to baby him; the sannin had more important stuff to deal with. He wished Jiraiya would just leave him there, go take care of all of the things he was needed for while the Fox made Naruto waste away. At least then he wouldn't need to be ashamed when stuff like this happened, having privacy as he was tormented and pushed over the edge. Just thinking of the Fox was enough to set him off again; he tried to breathe deeply, swallowing compulsively, as he tried to hold it in. But it was no use, that just made it worse; he gripped the sides of the toilet seat with both hands as his stomach roiled painfully causing him to pitch forward with a harsh retch, burping up a stream of foul liquid. " _Shit,_ are you okay?" Jiraiya asked as he went to grab a washcloth, wetting it under the sink, his own stomach clenched with sympathy as he heard Naruto vomiting. Naruto's face flushed with embarrassment as he panted over the toilet, his nose and throat burning. He spit into the water and then sunk back to the ground, allowing his head to rest on his arm over the toilet bowl as he tried to catch his breath. "Are you still sick?" Jiraiya asked gently as he sat next to Naruto on the ground, feeling the back of his neck. "No fever," the older man said as he draped the washcloth over the back of Naruto's neck, knowing from previous episodes that the sensation helped settle his stomach.

Naruto shook his head, “n-not sick, just didn’t feel so good all of a sudden. S-sorry,” Naruto lied, swallowing thickly, trying to push back the bile rising in his throat. He didn’t want to tell Jiraiya about the Fox, knowing he was about to leave for a mission. He didn’t want Jiraiya to have to worry about him when he was gone. 

“You don’t have to apologize, it happens to the best of us,” Jiraiya soothed, placing a hand on the boy’s back. “Still feel nauseous?” Jiraiya asked, not wanting to lead him back to bed before he was ready. Naruto nodded slightly, breathing slowly through his mouth. Jiraiya frowned as he laid a hand on the younger man’s stomach, rubbing in circles the way he liked. Jiraiya couldn’t help but feel concerned as he felt just how thin Naruto had gotten, feeling the way his ribs protruded, taking the place of his usually solid abs. “Does this happen often?” he asked seriously, frowning deeply as Naruto nodded again.

“J-just stress,” Naruto lied again, allowing Jiraiya to rub his stomach. Suddenly he felt Naruto shift below his grasp as he grabbed the toilet seat again, rising back to his knees. He started gagging again, violently burping up a dribble of saliva and bile. 

Jiraiya shook his head, “you shouldn’t be getting sick this often. You need to take better care of yourself. I’m telling Tsunade to send someone else on the mission, I need to be here for you,” he demanded as Naruto took the washcloth and wiped his face with it.

Naruto finally looked Jiraiya in the eyes, “no, you’re the closest shinobi. Just go, I’ll be okay. I promise, I can take care of myself,” he mumbled, reaching up to flush the toilet. Jiraiya hesitated, considering his options. He knew Tsunade would only send for him if she thought he was the best equipped for the mission, but he couldn’t let Naruto down again. Not after what he’d done. He needed to prove that he just fucked up and didn’t actually regret anything that happened between them; that he would be there for him no matter what. That Jiraiya needed him. He sighed, giving in.

“Fine. I’ll go, but I’m going straight there and then coming straight back. If anything happens while I’m gone you need to promise to send for me or Tsunade,” Jiraiya said sharply, raking his hand through Naruto’s soft hair before wiping away the boy’s tears. Naruto was too exhausted to argue so he just nodded, allowing Jiraiya to help him to his feet. He helped him back to bed before retrieving a glass of water, handing it to him. “I’d feel much better leaving if you’d drink that,” he ordered. Naruto groaned but gave in, taking a few small sips before placing the glass beside his bed. 

“I’ll probably just sleep the whole time you’re gone anyway, you aren’t missing much. Unless you like watching me puke that much,” Naruto teased weakly. A smile cracked across Jiraiya’s lips.

”I may be a pervert, but that’s one thing I’m _not_ into,” he teased back, going through the closet to get everything he needed. Thankfully the mission would be a quick one as long as he didn’t run into any trouble; he should be able to be back by the following morning. “Please try to get some more food into you, Naruto. You’ve lost a lot of weight... I’m worried about you,” he admitted as he pulled his pack and scroll over his shoulders. Naruto just nodded as he closed his eyes, attempting to take an afternoon nap. Jiraiya finished his preparations and then slid his shoes on, glancing over his shoulder. He couldn’t help but allow his eyes to linger over the blond, his face so peaceful as he slept. Jiraiya quietly walked over to Naruto, bending down to kiss his forehead, unable to resist. “I’ll be back soon, I promise,” he whispered, gently caressing his cheek before heading out.

——————————  
  


Naruto awoke some time later to a pitch black room. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but something had shaken him awake, something wasn’t _right._ He rolled onto his back and then peered around the room; he was alone. He shuddered, drowning in the deafening silence. He longed to hear Jiraiya’s goofy laugh. He just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to feel Jiraiya’s strong arms around him, shushing him back to sleep. ‘ _It’s just for tonight,_ ’ he said to himself, ‘ _as soon as he’s back we’ll talk. I’m going to tell him everything. I can’t live like this anymore,_ ’ he finally admitted to himself, feeling hope welling in his chest, the possibility of getting better - of no longer needing to hide his struggling anymore. Just as he was about to roll back over to go to sleep he heard that damn cackling in his head. ‘ _Haven’t we already gone over this? No one can save you from yourself. From me. I will have you,_ ’ the Nine Tails roared. Naruto shook his head, not wanting to listen. He vowed to not give in anymore, hoping that if he ignored the Fox he’d eventually give up. ‘ _Give up? Ha! What else do I have to do while stuck in this fucking cage? You’re my only entertainment,_ ’ the Fox snorted, ‘ _besides, I finally have you to myself again. I’m only getting started. Tonight is the night. This is the night I make you mine.’_

Naruto shivered, squeezing his eyes closed, trying with every fiber of his being to ignore it. As soon as Naruto’s eyes closed he was quickly sucked into a vision.

_The Hidden Leaf had burnt to the ground, his friend’s bodies littering the ground. Naruto looked down at his blood soaked hands, sticky and warm. Naruto tried to run but he found himself not in control of his own body. ‘I told you it would end this way,’ the Fox snarled as it forced him to turn his head around. Naruto was left helpless as he saw out of the Fox’s eyes, forced to feel it’s feelings. He heard an odd sound behind him and felt an ominous anticipation mounting in his chest as he spun on his heels. Jiraiya was laying at his feet, a quivering hand reaching out and grabbing his ankle. “N-Naruto... stop...” Jiraiya wheezed on the ground. Suddenly he felt his foot being raised up above Jiraiya’s head, coming down hard with a sickening crunch. “Sensei!” Naruto yelled out in fear, desperately fighting to regain control of his body. The Fox laughed viciously in his ears, ‘it’s no use, you’re mine. Look what you’ve done. They knew all along; they always knew you were a monster. I gave you the chance to end it, let you try to escape me, but now it’s too late. This is your future. You can’t stop me.’ Naruto shook with fear, paralyzed, as he watch the Fox lean down to take Jiraiya’s head in his hands. Jiraiya’s face was a bloody mess, teeth cracked and nose broken. Jiraiya coughed up a spurt of blood as he slowly reached out to touch Naruto’s face. “P-please... N-Naruto... I-I know you’re still in there...” he pleaded, but all he got in return was a blood chilling chuckle. He felt Jiraiya caress his cheek tenderly, just as gentle as ever, even in his time of death. “I-I forgive you,” he rasped out as the Fox twisted his head sharply to the right, bones cracking and trachea collapsing. Blood sprayed from his mouth as he struggled to breath around his broken throat, an awful gurgling sound. Naruto could do nothing but watch as his breathing stopped. Naruto cried out desperately but it was no use. He sobbed, an absolutely heartbreaking wail.  
_

_The Nine Tails roared with laughter, ‘why are you so surprised? I told you this is how it would end. I told you I’d make you feel their bones break. You’ll taste their blood, feel it slide down your throat.’ Naruto was so broken he couldn’t even respond, hyperventilating and wide eyed as he stared at Jiraiya’s broken body. Suddenly he gained control of his body again but it was too late. He fell to the ground next to Jiraiya, pulling the older man into his lap. “W-wake up, sensei! P-please!” he cried, shaking the man hard, his broken neck causing his head to loll back and forth. Naruto collapsed onto Jiraiya’s chest, emitting an agonized cry. He clutched his vestments in his hand, hands bunching in the fabric, “p-please wake up, p-please! I can’t live without you!” He just laid there in a broken heap, sobbing uncontrollably, clawing at his eyes, unable to handle what he was seeing. “J-just kill me! Just fucking kill me! You can have me, I don’t give a fuck! Just kill me, let me be with him!” he cried, squeezing Jiraiya even tighter to his chest, rocking back and forth. “I-I’m so sorry, sensei, p-please come back,” he squeaked, voice betraying him. It was too much; he was so overwhelmed that his vision started to go red. He suddenly saw a bright light and passed out.  
  
_

_——————————_

  
Jiraiya sat perched on a branch above the small village their ally was located at. He slowly scanned his surroundings looking for any traps or signs of danger. Everything seemed peaceful but he couldn’t shake this feeling deep inside his chest that something was horribly wrong. He jumped from the tree and landed gracefully, taking a few moments to think. Something was wrong. Something _awful_ was happening. Suddenly a stomach twisting thought flashed through his mind, _‘Naruto!’_ He quickly sprung into action, turning around rapidly and barreling through the trees, leaping back into the branches so he could travel quicker. Jiraiya cursed himself, he _knew_ he should haven’t left. He _knew_ Naruto wasn’t in any condition to be alone right now but for some stupid reason he trusted the boy when he said he’d be okay. 

Jiraiya jumped from branch to branch, moving as fast as his body would allow him, the muscles in his legs screaming out in protest. He was using up all of his chakra to travel like this but all he could think about was Naruto. _‘Don’t worry, Naruto, I’m coming!’_

——————————

Naruto awoke on the floor, instantly breaking out in tears, shaking in fear. ‘ _Break the seal already, boy. It’s already at its breaking point. All it’ll take is one simple snap of your fingers. If you allow me in now I promise to make you unaware of what’s happening. But if you make me wait... if you drag this out any longer... I’ll kill Jiraiya the moment he walks through that door.’_ Naruto didn’t have the strength to argue back, he just pushed himself up on shaky legs and made his way to the kitchen slowly. He opened the cabinet with unsteady hands, pulling out a bottle of sake, not even bothering with a cup. The Fox giggled at that, ‘ _yes, boy. Try to drink me away. Lower your inhibitions._ ’ Naruto’s quivering hands struggled to open the bottle, so shaky that he could barely get a grip on the cap. He finally ripped off the cap, letting it drop to the ground. He took a long pull from the bottle, coming away coughing and gagging from the acidic, foul taste. ‘ _Such a lightweight, you’d think with all the drinking you’ve been doing lately you’d have maned up by now,_ ’ the Fox teased. Naruto couldn’t take it anymore, he sank to the ground and chugged from the bottle again, grimacing as the liquid poured down his throat, burning like liquid fire. He bent to the side as the liquid traveled back up with a retch, splattering on the ground. ‘ _Now that won’t do,_ ’ the Fox mocked. Naruto finally felt the sweet warmth taking over his body, his vision swimming and mind dulling. He took a long swig and gripped the bottle in his hands as he stood back up, trying to get to his ninja gear. _'What are you going to do now, you stupid boy? Try to fight me?'_ Naruto pulled out a kunai and stumbled into the bathroom, turning on the taps for the tub. 

The Fox growled knowingly, _'ah I see. Going to take the easy way out and even do it in the tub so Jiraiya won't have to clean up your mess.'_ Naruto growled angrily, "if I'm gone then there's nothin' you can do," he slurred drunkenly, taking another sip from the bottle as the bathtub filled. _'Oh, finally talking to me, I see,'_ the Fox laughed, _'go right ahead, boy. You're too much of a coward, and either way I can't die. I may disappear temporarily, but I'd just reappear in my own dimension. The first thing I would do once I reformed is come back for your dear Jiraiya-sensei.'_ With that the sound of Jiraiya's neck snapping flashed through Naruto's head as he relived the feeling of his bones sickeningly rubbing together in his hands. His eyes filled with tears and he fought back a sob, turning off the bathtub taps. "Just SHUT THE _FUCK UP!"_ Naruto yelled, chugging down more sake, barely able to see straight, "just leave me the _fuck alone and let me die!"_ His heart felt shattered in his chest, stabbing like glass. All he could imagine was Jiraiya's blood stained hands rubbing against his cheek, forgiving him before he snapped his neck with his bear hands. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't take one more second of this torment. He knew that if he lived he'd never be at peace; the Nine Tails would find a way to take control, making his worst nightmares a reality. 

Naruto didn't even bother undressing as he slid into the tub, sobs wracking his body, vision tinged red and black. He held the kunai in his unsteady hand, pulling his knees to his chest as thoughts flew through his head with lightning speed. All he could hear was the Fox's laughter roaring in his ears, punctuated every now and then with the sound of Jiraiya's neck snapping. Tears freely slid down Naruto's cheeks as he rolled up his sleeves, examining his arms for a moment. He knew the Fox wouldn't heal him. Normally something like this wouldn't be successful, but with his healing abilities at a stand still he knew he'd succeed. He took a shuddering breath as he held the point of the blade to his wrist, quickly slashing downward towards his inner arm. He gasped as his skin sliced like butter, blood pouring from his arm in crimson waves, turning the water a sickening pink. His breath came in short pained spurts as he held the blade to his other arm, slashing down his arm as he sobbed. He hyperventilated as the kunai slipped from his grasp, clattering onto the floor. He let his arms dangle over the sides of the tub, blood pooling on the white marble, a stunningly macabre display. Naruto struggled to calm himself as he laid in the tub, feeling his limbs slowly go cold. 

His vision started to tunnel and his hands went numb. Naruto felt his head loll back against the wall, unable to hold himself steady. He started to slide down into the water, his chin just above the surface. _"S-S-Sensei,"_ he rasped as he imagined Jiraiya sitting by his side on the side of the tub. He imagined Jiraiya's hands on his cheeks, in his hair, gently kissing away his tears. A small smile formed on Naruto's blue lips, his teeth violently chattered uncontrollably. _'I love you,'_ he imagined Jiraiya saying to him as he reached for him with his pale hand. He imagined his parents, standing by the door of the bathroom, slowly waving with huge grins on their faces. Naruto tried to smile back but had a hard time moving, no energy to so much as move his lips. He stared at Jiraiya's face as his vision faded away, darkness taking over, sucking him in. He felt himself falling, like fresh snow on the first day on winter. Soft, cold, fragile. His eyes slid shut as he gave a rattled breath. The Fox was finally silent.

——————————

Jiraiya's heart was pounding in his chest as he finally made it back to the onsen. He didn't even bother with the door, quickly springing up a tree and sliding their bedroom window open. He immediately felt a chill run up his spine. Something was horribly wrong. The air was thick, suffocating. The whole room was pitch black. Jiraiya held his breath as he flipped on the lights, hoping and praying that he'd see Naruto in bed. But his bed was empty, the covers pushed back and wrinkled. He reached down to feel them; the pillow was still slightly warm, damp with sweat. Naruto must not have gotten up too long ago. He headed to the kitchen and saw vomit on the floor, the scent of sake making his nose scrunch up. _'Fuck,'_ he cursed to himself, turning towards the bathroom. He saw light coming from underneath the door and he was filled with a sense of dread. He leaped over the couch and flung the door open, not even bothering with knocking. His heart sunk and he felt his blood run cold. There was blood everywhere. A pool of it on the floor, much too big, fatal. He was frozen, staring at the puddle of blood, allowing his eyes to slowly travel upwards. He saw a hand dangling from the tub, blood dripping from pale, white fingers. He followed the arm up to a clothed shoulder, a neck bent back, a head lolling on a shoulder... honey blond hair. _"Naruto!"_ Jiraiya scooped Naruto from the tub, his cold limp body weighed down with water, making him hard to lift. Jiraiya let out a choked off sob, feeling cool water soak into his clothes, blood covered his hands. "What the _fuck, Naruto, what the fuck have you done?!"_ he cried, desperately grabbing the boy's arms in his hands. Jiraiya stared at the long, deep cuts running up both of his arms. His hands shook uncontrollably as he pulled off his vest, ripping it in half before wrapping it tightly around each of Naruto's arms. He could tell by the amount of blood that Naruto placed the cuts perfectly, severing multiple vital arteries. He cried out in anguish as he touched the boy's cold cheek, his blue lips slightly parted. _"Fuck,_ what the _fuck_ do I do, _what the fuck do I do -"_ he was panicking, hyperventilating. Jiraiya rocked Naruto's thin broken frame in his arms, picking the boy up and rushing him into the living room. He laid Naruto down on the ground and grabbed a blanket, wrapping him up tight, trying to warm him up. He concentrated his chakra into his palms as he grabbed Naruto's arms, attempting to heal his wounds. He started with his left arm as that was the deeper, more dangerous cut. It stretched from his wrist to his inner elbow, deep and wide, muscle tissue visible. 

Jiraiya had to fight down a gag as blood spilled onto his hands from the wound, now uncovered so he could try to heal it. He cried out desperately as he realized nothing was happening. _"Please, no, no, no, no, no. You can't be dead. You aren't dead. Naruto! Come back!"_ he resorted to rocking the boy back and forth again before an idea sprang into his head. He ripped the blanket off and quickly removed Naruto's jacket and undershirt. As soon as the clothing was gone Jiraiya could see the Nine Tail's seal flickering on Naruto's stomach. Jiraiya gasped, _'if he was dead the seal wouldn't be flickering!'_ Hope poured through his veins as he prepared his sealing jutsu, performing his hand signs so quickly it just looked like a blur. Naruto had been telling him about the Fox messing with his head just a few days prior; he realized at that moment that Naruto's healing and chakra abilities were actively being siphoned off by the Fox who was trying to force Naruto to break the seal. He hadn't realized how serious the situation was. It wasn't uncommon for Naruto to be able to communicate with the Fox, and they used to have a symbiotic relationship. Something must have changed. As the seal started to come undone the Fox's power went to his head. Jiraiya's heart snapped in two when he realized how much pain and torture Naruto must have been going through. As soon as he had the adequate amount of chakra built up in his fingertips he thrust his hand down onto Naruto's stomach. The seal glowed a bright orange before flickering out again. 

Jiraiya tried to steady his breathing as he concentrated his chakra back to his palms. He held Naruto's cold, pale arm in his hand gently as he attempted to heal it again. Tears poured down Jiraiya's cheeks as nothing happened, feeling like he was about to collapse. Just as he was about to give up he saw the wound knitting together. "Naruto! Stay with me! P-please, Naruto, you need to fight it! Come back to me!" his voice cracked as picked up Naruto's other arm, concentrating his healing chakra again.

 _'He still lost too much blood. Whether his wounds are closed or not this isn't going to be easy to recover from... what the fuck was he thinking...'_ Jiraiya tried to swallow back his tears as he got to work. He grabbed a new set of clothes for Naruto and delicately stripped him out of his wet, blood soaked ones. He dressed him as quickly as possible, needing to warm the boy up. As soon as he was dressed and dry he bundled Naruto back up in the blanket and carried him to the couch where he'd be able to keep a closer eye on him as he cleaned up the mess. Jiraiya paused for a moment and knelt next to Naruto's unconscious body, slowly pushing back the boy's hair, kissing his cool pale forehead. _"I'm here now, I'm not going anywhere. I will never let you hurt like this again,"_ he vowed, teary eyed. While he wanted nothing more than to sit at Naruto's bedside and wait for him to wake up he also wanted to get the mess cleaned up before Naruto would need to face it himself, and he didn't want him to have to relive it. Cleaning the blood was hard. The coppery scent lingering in the air made him sick to his stomach, and he found himself having to scrub the marble countless times to try to get out the stains. The bathtub was much easier as the water just washed down the drain. _'He did it here hoping I wouldn't have to clean up,'_ that realization stung, a deep, searing pain. He thanked whatever god was looking out for Naruto that his arms wound up outside the tub; if he had left them in the water it would have pulled the blood from his body, forcing him to bleed out much quicker. He definitely would have been dead. “Thank god for sake,” Jiraiya darkly joked to himself, knowing that if Naruto was sober he wouldn’t have failed. It took hours to get rid of every last drop of blood, and by the time he was done Jiraiya was covered in it. It was on his clothing, on his hands, even in his hair. 

With the room spotlessly clean Jiraiya picked up the almost empty bottle of sake, glaring at it as if it was guilty. He considered finishing the last few shots himself but thought against it, having to stay straight to take care of Naruto. With a heaving breath Jiraiya poured the rest of the sake down the drain, throwing the empty bottle in the trash. As soon as his immediate tasks were done he felt exhaustion taking over and he willingly sunk to the ground with his back against the couch, just sitting quietly, listening to Naruto’s short, shallow breaths. ‘ _He’s gonna have one hell of a hangover when he wakes up,’_ he thought bitterly, taking Naruto’s hand in his own. His skin was still so cold, but the color was returning slowly. He gently kissed the top of Naruto’s hand, rubbing his soft skin to his cheek. The thought of losing the kid made Jiraiya break down and he didn’t even attempt to stop the tears. He freely sobbed as he held Naruto’s cold hand, grasping at it as if it was a life preserver, pulling him in from a dark stormy ocean. He coughed and sniffled, pulling his knees to his chest, burying his face in the crook of his arm. The sobs made his breath hitch in his throat, it had been so long since he cried like this that the feeling scared him, made him feel like he was choking. Suddenly he heard a low groan and he instantly jumped up, staring intently down at Naruto’s face. “ _N-Naruto?_ ” he struggled to stutter out through the tears, his hand reaching out to touch the boy’s forehead. His skin was warmer, slightly tinted pink. Jiraiya held his breath, praying that Naruto would stir again so he could confirm that he was coming around. He waited for what felt like an eternity until he saw Naruto’s eyebrows furrow slightly, a barely audible groan passing his lips. At that moment Jiraiya felt like he could cry tears of happiness, finally feeling like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

”I’m here, Naruto, I’m here,” he whispered, not certain that the younger man could hear him but trying to comfort him all the same. As soon as he spoke Naruto stirred again, just a slight hitch in his breathing. Jiraiya smiled, his fingertips softly caressing Naruto’s cheek. “That’s it, come back to me. I’ll be here waiting,” he promised before slumping back against the couch, trying to fight off sleep. He was so exhausted from traveling and using up so much chakra that he could barely keep his eyes opened. He fought the heavy feeling in his eyelids for about an hour before he lost the battle, slipping into a deep sleep.


	4. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Naruto’s suicide attempt Jiraiya is trying to keep him together. The Nine Tails’ seal is back intact, leaving it unable to torment Naruto anymore, but he’s still struggling with the aftermath; PTSD, nightmares, and flashbacks. This time Jiraiya is here to put back all the pieces, here to hold him through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the awfully bleak chapter I wrote yesterday ): the next chapter will start with a slight time jump. this is overall a hurt/comfort yaoi story, and I am promising to deliver as much as possible while still sticking to my plot! this is my first time writing both naruto and jiraiya and I’m trying very hard to stay in character; or as close to in character as I can, imagining how they’d behave in this situation.
> 
> so jiraiya has saved naruto’s life and sealed the fox away, but there is still residual damage. naruto is plagued with flashbacks and nightmares and is struggling to cope. but don’t worry, jiraiya to the rescue!
> 
> feedback is loved ^^
> 
> TW: mentions of previous suicide attempt, graphic self harm, use of homophobic slurs (only in the italicized passages), yaoi.

A few hours had passed since Jiraiya returned to the onsen and found Naruto nearly bled dry in the bathtub. Jiraiya felt like his body was made of stone; so exhausted from his overuse of chakra trying to save Naruto’s life and stiff from falling asleep on the floor that he was surprised he could even move. As soon as he was fully awake he pulled himself to his feet and checked on Naruto. His skin was still much too pale and covered with a sickly sweat but he was warm again. Jiraiya let out a sigh of relief, heading to the bathroom to take a quick shower, still covered in Naruto’s blood. He tried to make it as fast as possible, barely even allowing himself to enjoy the hot water loosening his stiff muscles. He hopped out of the shower as soon as he turned off the water, quickly towel drying his hair, wrapping the towel around his hips and hastily heading back into the living room. He wanted to make sure he’d be there the second Naruto woke up.

Jiraiya threw his clothes on and stood over Naruto on the couch. He reached out a hand and let it linger over Naruto’s forehead; he was a bit too warm but nothing to worry about. The blood loss and inevitable alcohol poisoning was another story. That wasn’t such an easy fix without an extremely experienced medical ninja around. Jiraiya frowned as he raked his brain for some sort of way to help Naruto heal; there must be something he could do to help. He knew that he’d need to push as much fluids on Naruto as possible to restore the volume of his blood. The boy also needed food, but he knew it would probably be a while before he felt like he could eat again. Jiraiya made a clone of himself to go to the store to get some juice and food while he stayed by Naruto’s bedside, patiently waiting for him to wake up. The clone set out quickly, not wasting any time. Jiraiya sighed as he pulled up the desk chair to Naruto’s side, just staring at the boy as he waited for him to stir. “Take your time, I’ll be here.”

  
  


——————————

Jiraiya patiently sat by the couch, starting to get antsy. Just as he was starting to panic and about to send notice to Tsunade Naruto groaned, shifting just a bit below the covers. Jiraiya instantly leaned over and placed a hand on Naruto’s forehead. “You with me, kid?” he asked anxiously, frowning at how pale Naruto was. Naruto was too weak to open his eyes and sounds were slowly coming back to him, echoed and distorted, sounding like he was underwater. He groaned again as his stomach flip flopped, his arm subconsciously wrapping around his abdomen. He felt a hand on his face, gently touching his cheek, feeling for a fever. Naruto wanted to reach out for the hand but he could barely move, his limbs felt like they were weighed down, much too heavy for him to control. He was so dizzy and lightheaded that he was surprised he didn’t pass out, feeling like the room was spinning underneath him. Naruto whimpered sickly as he was finally able to blink his eyes open, assaulted with lights and colors, everything shifting and multiplying. “Naruto? Stay with me, I’m here,” Jiraiya whispered, pressing a hand down on the younger man’s forehead.

” _Sssss-sen-sensei?_ ” Naruto struggled to choke out, too dizzy and unsteady to even see Jiraiya’s face clearly, only able to make out a silver blob. “ _Dddd-don’ f-feel s’good,_ ” Naruto drunkenly slurred, voice so unsteady and quivering that he was surprised he could even form a sentence. 

”I’m here, don’t worry, I’ve gotcha,” Jiraiya promised, gripping the younger man’s upper arm. Naruto whined at the heavy sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, trying as hard as he could to focus his vision so he could see clearly but he failed, left feeling like he was on a boat in the middle of a storm, rocking and tipping uncontrollably, nowhere near stable land. His head was pounding, a severe, sharp pain that doubled whenever he moved even an inch, snaking it’s way down his neck. He furrowed his eyebrows and hissed as his stomach spasmed, rebelling as the room spun. Naruto felt tears welling in his eyes as he suffered through the pain, still hazy on the events of the previous night, unsure why he felt so sick. “Don’t worry, kiddo, it’ll be alright... I’m here, I’m not letting go...” Jiraiya placed his hand on top of Naruto’s. Naruto quickly moved his hand so that his fingers were laced between Jiraiya’s, finally feeling like he had something steady to grip on to, an anchor in this wild storm. He whimpered as an overwhelming nausea started to overcome him, a cold sweat breaking out on his neck, saliva pooling in his mouth. Jiraiya saw the boy start to turn green around the edges and quickly slid his arm under his neck, his other hand on his side as he pulled Naruto into a sitting position, trying to make sure he wouldn’t choke if he got sick. The sudden motion made Naruto’s already spinning vision tilt out of control, he groaned and gripped onto the couch, desperate for some amount of stability. He felt all of the blood drain from his head, becoming so light headed he felt like he was going to pass out. He felt the couch dip below him as Jiraiya sat on the cushion beside him, trying to keep Naruto upright as his head lolled back, too dizzy to keep himself up.

 _‘He has alcohol poisoning from downing that whole bottle. If he doesn’t puke it up before his body metabolizes it all this situation could become fatal,’_ Jiraiya frowned as he reached for the garbage can on the floor. Jiraiya waited a moment to see if Naruto’s body would expel the alcohol on its own, but he was too weak, allowing his head to fall onto Jiraiya’s shoulder, heavy eyelids threatening to slide shut. “Shit,” Jiraiya cursed to himself as he got up off the couch and headed to the kitchen; this wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to handle alcohol poisoning and thankfully he knew what to do. He got Naruto a glass of cold water and grabbed the carton of juice from the fridge. This would work better if he could force some crackers or bread into Naruto’s stomach but he knew the kid wouldn’t be able to handle that right now, the blood loss making the situation even harder to deal with. He grabbed a washcloth and wet it with cold water, knowing that the cool water comforted Naruto when he was sick. Jiraiya held the glass of water in his hand as he placed the juice on the table, wiping the sweat off Naruto’s face with the washcloth. “Alright, kid, you’re not gonna like this,” he murmured softly as he held the water to Naruto’s lips, relieved when he started taking small sips. “Good, that’s it, drink it all,” he coached as Naruto struggled to drink the whole glass, rivulets of water snaking down to his chin, clearly having a hard time getting it all down but wanting to follow Jiraiya’s orders.

Jiraiya placed the empty glass down on the ground and picked up the garbage can, holding it in Naruto’s lap as the boy feebly tried to grip it. “I’m so sorry, kid, this is gonna suck,” he gently pushed Naruto’s hair off his forehead as he placed his hand on the younger man’s cheek, forcing his lips to part. Jiraiya winced as he shoved two fingers into Naruto’s mouth, pulling his hand away as soon as he felt his fingertips graze the back of his throat. Naruto’s eyes shot open as his gag reflex was forecefully activated, bending forward as his stomach clenched, violently burping up a wave of alcohol and water. Jiraiya rubbed Naruto’s back, placing the washcloth over the back of his neck, trying to soothe the boy as he held the can for him under his chin. Naruto whimpered as he got sick, dry heaving as his body tried to purge the sake from his system. “That’s it, get it all up,” Jiraiya soothed, grimacing as Naruto struggled to empty his stomach. He started to shake as he cramped up again, coughing harshly as he burped up more alcohol and bile. He had a few moments to pant and sniffle before starting to gagging, coughing up the last dribble of liquid in his stomach. He lifted a shaky hand and wiped his tears on his sleeve, still feeling weak and useless but his senses felt sharper, more alert. Jiraiya placed the can on the ground, wincing at the fullness of it, audibly sloshing. Naruto sat frozen for a moment as memories of the previous night started to slip back in through the cracks. He slowly looked down at his arms, his eyebrows furrowing as he took in the smooth, unmarked skin. Naruto felt Jiraiya pulling the blanket up around his shoulders, realizing that he was being overcome with uncontrollable shakes, his teeth chattering. 

Jiraiya took Naruto into his arms as the tears started, trying to steady his shivering frame. He cried pitifully, confused and angry that he was still alive, forcefully being dragged back to sobriety. “ _W-w-why?_ ” Naruto slurred, his voice full of pain, “w-why didn’ you l-let me die?” Jiraiya had to hold his breath to stop himself from snapping, biting his tongue.

Jiraiya let out a shaky breath, “why did you _do_ that? What were you _thinking?”_ Jiraiya pried sadly, forcing Naruto to look him in his eyes. All he saw behind the boy’s tears was pain and confusion and it broke his heart, pulling the boy to his chest. The question snapped Naruto in two as he devolved into a fit of gasping sobs, afraid and hurt. “Naruto, _what happened?_ Why did you think you had to do that?” he pressed him, pulling Naruto fully into his lap. Naruto threw his arms around Jiraiya’s neck, clinging on to him tightly. 

”I-I-I didn’ know www-what else to do!” he wailed, burying his tear stained face into Jiraiya’s neck. “H-he was gonna t-take over and-a-and-and...” Naruto struggled to get the words out, clenching his teeth, “hhh-h-he was g-gonna kill you... h-he _made_ me k-kill you... _I-I-I sss-s-snapped your n-neck and -,”_ he shook his head desperately, trying to force away the memories, remembering the feeling of Jiraiya’s broken neck hanging off his shoulders as he held his corpse. “I-I couldn’t take it anymore... h-h-he was gonna b-break the seal... I h-had to ssss-s-stop him,” Naruto squeezed his eyes shut. 

”Shh, it’s okay now. It’s over. The seal was weakened but I was able to fix it. I won’t let anything like that happen to you again. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into Naruto’s ear, holding him tightly as he cried. There wasn’t much he could say or do to make the situation easier for him to deal with so he decided to stay silent. Jiraiya petted Naruto’s hair and wiped away his tears as they fell, offering him soft encouragements. He just sounded so _hurt_ ; so broken and desperate that Jiraiya found himself tearing up. He rocked Naruto in his arms until he started to calm down, brushing his hands through his hair, holding him tenderly.

”Why do you stay... Why do you care about me? I-I don’t deserve it... I’m _broken, useless..._ Just shattered pieces,” Naruto muttered with his face pressed against Jiraiya’s neck, voice muffled by his shoulder. Jiraiya shook his head sadly.

”You’re _hurting_ and I’m not leaving until I put back all the pieces,” he promised gently, shifting Naruto’s weight in his lap so he could lay him back down on the couch. “Here, kid. I got you some juice. Pineapple, your favorite. You need to drink as much as you can... To make up for the blood loss,” he grabbed the carton and unscrewed the cap, handed it to Naruto, not even bothering with a cup. The younger man just nodded as he took a few sips, wincing as it filled his aching stomach. “Don’t rush; take your time. We don’t need you getting sick again.” Naruto still felt incredibly weak and dizzy, his head pounding loudly in his ears. Jiraiya tucked him back in and reclaimed his seat next to the couch, hoping to allow Naruto to rest. 

”S-sensei?” Naruto squeaked. 

Jiraiya glanced at him, concerned that something was wrong, but his lips turned up into a smile as he saw Naruto lifting his blanket, wanting him to lay next to him on the couch. “I don’t think we’ll both fit, kid, I’m a bit bigger than you,” Jiraiya chuckled as he watched Naruto’s crestfallen face. “C’mon,” he murmured, wrapping the blanket tighter around Naruto’s shoulders before carefully lifting him up into his arms. Naruto wrapped his arms around Jiraiya’s neck as he carried him into the bedroom and laid Naruto onto his mattress with great care, trying not to shake him up too much. Jiraiya used his feet to push his own mattress across the floor until the two were touching. He laid down with a deep sigh, pulling his blanket on top of Naruto to make sure he was warm enough, his body still lightly shaking. “T-thanks,” Naruto stuttered, curling up into his pillow, trying to ignore the pain in his head and stomach. He squeezed his eyes tight as the pain in his head ratcheted up a few notches, bile rising up the back of his throat. He tried to breathe through the pain but was having a hard time doing so, rolling onto his side away from Jiraiya, trying to choke down a groan but failing. 

”You okay, kid?” Jiraiya asked, allowing his fingers to gently rest on the side of Naruto’s neck, feeling his pulse racing. Jiraiya pulled him close to his chest, his fingers grazing the boy’s temple before gently pressing down, massaging the pain away. He sighed with relief but was quickly interrupted by the ominous churning in his stomach, a whimper escaping his lips. He pulled his knees tight to his chest, breath coming out in quick pained gasps. “Do you want me to do the thing?” Jiraiya asked sleepily, already moving his hand down towards Naruto’s stomach as he nodded. Jiraiya rubbed his stomach in soft light circles, smiling slightly as he felt Naruto relax under his fingertips. “Doesn’t this feel familiar?” Jiraiya whispered and Naruto felt his face flush. They laid that way for a while, neither quite able to sleep, so much left unsaid. “Don’t ever scare me like that again. I couldn’t bear to lose you,” Jiraiya said softly, nuzzling his face into Naruto’s hair.

”Why?” Naruto asked, heart fluttering in his chest.

”I just... can’t stand to be away from you. You’ve got this hold of me that I can’t explain. I’m sorry for being such an idiot, I don’t regret _anything_ that’s happened between us and I never will. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. It will never happen again. I’m going to take care of you from now on. I will make it up to you, every second that I’m with you I just want to see you smile,” Jiraiya vowed in a hushed voice, wishing he could live in this moment forever. Naruto turned onto his back and then rolled onto his side, facing Jiraiya, staring up at him sadly. Jiraiya let his hand linger over Naruto’s cheek, soft skin below his fingertips. Naruto couldn’t find the words to respond, afraid that if he tried to speak he’d just wind up crying, so instead he craned his neck and reached for Jiraiya’s cheek, kissing his lips so softly that it felt like he wasn’t even there.

Jiraiya let his hand wander in Naruto’s hair, gripping his side as he kissed him harder. Naruto pulled away and let out a shaky sigh as he felt his head spin. He laid his head on Jiraiya’s chest, listening to the steady sound of his breaths as they drifted to sleep in each others arms.   
  


  
  


——————————

The next few days passed uneventfully. Naruto slowly but surely recovered from his physical injuries but Jiraiya couldn’t fight the nagging feeling that he still wasn’t 100%. Every now and then he’d catch Naruto wincing, a pained expression on his face. He’d ask what was wrong but Naruto would laugh it off, coming up with lame excuses. “Just a headache,” he’d say. He woke up in a pool of sweat every night, screaming himself awake. It would take hours for Jiraiya to calm him enough to get him back to sleep, and it was getting to the point that he could tell Naruto was afraid to go to sleep, afraid to face whatever lurked in his head, confronting him in his dreams.

He still struggled to eat but Jiraiya was able to put a few pounds on him, trying to help him regain his strength. For now training was on hold. Naruto wasn’t happy about that and voiced his complaints often, but Jiraiya didn’t want to push him again; he couldn’t handle the thought of breaking him. Naruto spent a long time in the bathroom when he’d shower and Jiraiya couldn’t ignore the bruises on his knuckles and the little crescent moon shaped cuts on his palms. Every night Jiraiya would offer to heal him, but Naruto wouldn’t allow him, ashamedly avoiding eye contact. It was getting to the point that Jiraiya couldn’t keep up the act; he needed to put a stop to this once and for all.

The Fox’s seal was back in place so Jiraiya knew that couldn’t be the issue. The trauma went deeper than that, something old and scarred over was opening up again, drawing fresh blood. 

  
  


——————————

_Naruto found himself laying in the middle of a sun baked field, wildflowers tickling his cheeks as a warm wind ruffled his hair. He sighed lazily as he folded his arms underneath his head, turning his gaze to the side to beam at Jiraiya. Jiraiya chuckled and reached over to touch Naruto’s whiskered cheek, gazing at him so tenderly that it made Naruto’s heart flutter. He reached up and placed his hand over Jiraiya’s, pure bliss. They sat silently, enjoying the sun on their skin, a sweet scent on the air. Naruto turned over onto his stomach, propping his head up in his hands, elbows resting on the ground. He stared up at Jiraiya’s face thoughtfully before speaking carefully, “will it still be like this once my training’s over? After we try to bring Sasuke back... when we’re back at the village?”  
_

_”After we bring Sasuke back, you mean, not after we try,” he corrected with a light smile. “No matter where we are it will always be like this. As long as I’m with you... that’s all that matters.” Naruto blushed and grinned, flopping onto his back with his head in Jiraiya’s lap. He reached his fingers to Jiraiya’s lips, tracing them with a gentle touch before wrapping his arm around Jiraiya’s neck for leverage. He pulled himself up and kneeled next to Jiraiya, forcefully planting a kiss on his lips. Naruto parted his lips and took in Jiraiya’s taste, sliding into the older man’s lap, grinding their hips together. Jiraiya broke their kiss with a chuckle, “you’re gonna be the death of me, kid,” he said full of adoration. Naruto jumped back into the kiss with an aggressive growl, nipping his bottom lip. Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s hips, forcefully grinding him down on his hard cock. Naruto moaned as he dry humped Jiraiya, using his feet for leverage. His head fell into the crook of Jiraiya’s neck and the older man took advantage of the position, the tip of his tongue dancing across Naruto’s neck before he sucked down on his skin. “Ah!” Naruto gasped at the sensation, his cock throbbing uncomfortably in his pants as he rubbed against Jiraiya’s erection, desperately seeking friction. He felt Jiraiya’s warm breath on his skin, loving the way it felt when he marked him; claimed him as his._

_Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s hips with both hands, grinding upwards as Naruto’s movements became frantic. “A-ah, fuck,” the blond gasped as he felt the familiar coiling in his stomach, “s-so fucking close.”_

_Jiraiya smirked, “gonna cum just from rubbing against me? So easy,” he teased, reaching his hand down between Naruto’s legs, stroking his length agonizingly slow through the fabric.  
_

_”F-fuck, don’t stop,” Naruto demanded, thrusting erratically in Jiraiya’s grasp. “G-gonna cum,” he panted, nuzzling into Jiraiya’s neck. As soon as he felt his release mounting he felt the air around him growing cold. He snapped his head up and froze as he realized the field they were in was slowly morphing; the grass gave way to shallow, warm water. The sky turned dark, sucking in the light like a void. Naruto grabbed onto Jiraiya frightfully, and as soon as he was starting to feel safe again Jiraiya disappeared in the blink of an eye. Naruto crashed into the water on his knees as he lost the purchase of Jiraiya’s lap, staring around in shock. He got to his feet and looked around, instantly recognizing where he was._

_’You stupid boy. I knew you’d fail, and now all you’ve done is piss me off,’ the Fox’s ominous voice growled, sending shockwaves through the water._ _”N-no, Jiraiya-sensei sealed you away. You aren’t real,” Naruto snarled angrily, his hands balling into fists. He glared into the darkness as the Fox’s laughter floated to his ears. ‘I see, now that you’re his butt buddy you think he’ll protect you?’ the Fox mocked, ‘where was he when you carved up your arms? Was he protecting you then?’ Naruto felt tears in his eyes, his lower lip quivering as he tried to fight them away. “Shut up. Just fucking leave me alone,” Naruto begged, indignantly sinking to his knees in the warm water. ‘Suddenly so protective of him now that you’re his favorite little faggot. What’s gonna happen when he trades up? You think he wants to deal with your baggage? He just wants something warm to bury his dick into.’ Naruto shook his head violently, pressing his hands over his ears, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE WRONG!”  
_

_The Fox laughed hysterically at this, crimson eyes flashing through the all consuming darkness. ‘Don’t forget what I told you. I’ll still have you; I’ll still make you mine. I’m still going to snap his neck and make you watch. Make you drink his blood through a straw.’ Naruto felt sick as he tried with all his might to ignore the Fox’s words, struggling for air as he panicked. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain searing across his wrists, gasping as he held his arms out in front of him. He saw the Fox’s clawed hands gripping his wrists, cutting into his delicate skin, clean horizontal cuts. “S-stop!” Naruto begged, trying desperately to get out of the Fox’s grasp but not finding enough strength. He shook uncontrollably as he watched his blood spill, the Fox finally releasing his grasp. Naruto held his arms to his chest, trying to put pressure on his wounds. He was breathing hard, hyperventilating as the sound of the Nine Tails’ laughter roared in his ears. His vision went black as he passed out._

——————————

Naruto slowly blinked his eyes open, the harsh lights in the bathroom burning into his retinas. He took a seconds to take in his surroundings, sitting up slowly. He was on the cold marble floor, fear sinking in as he raked his brain trying to figure out how he’d gotten there. He reached up to rub his eyes as he realized there was something clutched in his hand. A kunai, blood dripping from the sharp tip. He fearfully looked down, his worst nightmares finding their way into reality; each of his wrists had a deep horizontal cut slicing his pale skin, blood pooling on the ground beneath him. He gasped, quickly losing control of his thoughts, staring at his bloody hands with wide eyes as he began hyperventilating. 

There was a knock on the door but he was frozen; hands shaking as he stared at the blood dipping down his arms. He heard someone talking but it sounded so far away; all he could concentrate on was the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He heard the door being kicked open, wood splintering as it had to be forced, the lock not allowing the knob to turn. There was suddenly hands on him, white towels instantly turning crimson as they were wrapped around his arms. Someone was shaking him, hard, but he couldn’t move, completely paralyzed. He felt a hand lay a harsh slap across his face; that did it. 

Naruto gasped as he dropped the kunai, his hands shaking. Jiraiya was kneeling in front of him, hands on his cheeks, a pleading look on his face. “Naruto, _snap out of it!”_ Jiraiya was about to slap Naruto again but stopped as the boy finally focused. 

”F-fuck, w-what the fuck...” Naruto stuttered, blinking repeatedly, his vision tinged black around the edges.

”What happened?!” Jiraiya demanded as he squeezed the towels to Naruto’s arms, causing him to wince in pain.

”I-I don’t know,” Naruto stammered, “I-I just... I just woke up here...” 

Jiraiya ran a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out what to do. “ _Fuck,_ okay, _stay here._ Keep pressure on that,” he demanded as he jumped up, hurriedly leaving the room. Naruto did as he was told, cradling his arms to his chest as he started panicking, devolving back into hyperventilation. Jiraiya was back in an instant, “hey!” He snapped his fingers in front of Naruto’s face, causing him to jump. “Stay with me!” Jiraiya pulled out rolls of gauze, lifting off the bloody towels. He harshly pulled Naruto to his feet, causing him to slip in the puddle of blood. He turned on the sink and forced Naruto’s wrists under the water. Naruto winced at the sharp pain but complied with Jiraiya’s every move. Jiraiya dried off his arms before quickly bandaging his cuts, trying to be as delicate as possible. Naruto’s vision started to tunnel and he felt himself falling, unable to catch himself. Jiraiya grabbed him before he could crack his head on the marble, swiftly folding him up into his arms, the quick movements causing Naruto’s vision to swim.

”Hold on, kid. _Not again._ I’ve got you,” Jiraiya grunted, carrying Naruto to the couch. He placed him on the cushions, wrapping his hands around his bandaged wrists, trying to stop the bleeding. Naruto was still in shock; not fully processing what was happening. Jiraiya sighed deeply, exasperated, “what _happened?_ ”

Naruto could just shake his head. “I-I don’t know... I just woke up there...” he repeated, “I don’t know what happened.”

”What’s the last thing you remember?” Jiraiya took a seat on the couch, staring intently at Naruto as he tried to remember.

”I fell asleep... and I-I was having a normal dream, but... the Nine Tails was there and he... he grabbed me,” Naruto’s bottom lip quivered as he struggled not to break down, face flushing with embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry.”

”Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong,” Jiraiya stated, releasing his grab on Naruto’s arms once he was sure the bleeding had stopped. “This is just another thing we’ll have to deal with. We’ll figure it out together.”

”But I don’t want to be a ‘thing we have to deal with,’” Naruto cried, cradling his arms to his chest again. “I-I thought it was over... I thought he was sealed...”

”He _is_ sealed. I don’t think it was really him, Naruto,” Jiraiya said softly, wrapping an arm around Naruto’s shoulder. Naruto nodded slowly; deep down he knew it couldn’t have been the Fox. Just some sort of residual trauma. This wouldn’t have been the first time he’s sleep walked either. It happened before, frequently after Sasuke left the Village. He’d find himself in the woods outside of the Village’s bounds, lost and confused. The cutting was a new issue, probably some sort of flashback from the night Jiraiya finally fixed his seal. Thankfully these cuts were much smaller; horizontal instead of vertical, and while deep they hadn’t severed any arteries, just a few minor veins. Jiraiya scrubbed a hand over his face before getting to his feet. “I’ll be right back, kiddo. Just rest for a minute,” he said as he made his way back into the bathroom. He frowned at the puddle of blood on the ground, instantly being brought back to the other night when Naruto almost died. Jiraiya tried to clean up as quickly as he could, not wanting to leave Naruto alone for too long.

As soon as he was done cleaning he threw out the soiled towels and slipped the kunai back in his pack. ”What do I do?” Naruto whispered from his spot on the couch, looking up at Jiraiya with teary eyes. He had curled into himself, looking so small and fragile among the cushions.

Jiraiya wrapped Naruto up in his arms, “I’m not sure, but we’ll figure it out, just like always. I’m not going anywhere.” He helped Naruto off the couch gently, “c’mon, let’s go back to sleep. It’s three o’clock in the morning,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes lazily. Naruto just nodded and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. He followed Jiraiya back to their room and hesitantly laid down, feeling Jiraiya’s arm wrap around his waist. 

When he closed his eyes all he could see was blood. Warm and slick in his hands. He shuddered, squeezing his eyes tight to try to ignore it but failing. He must have whimpered because he suddenly felt Jiraiya’s hands on him, rubbing his back, touching his cheek. “What’s wrong?” Jiraiya whispered gently into his ear and Naruto bit his bottom lip, trying to hold himself together. 

”I... I don’t want to sleep,” he stated flatly. Jiraiya’s hand snaked around his waist and pulled him flat onto his back.

”Well I guess we’ll have to find a way to keep ourselves awake,” he muttered. Naruto blushed and reached up a hand, slowly tracing down Jiraiya’s lips, over his chin and to his neck. He grabbed Jiraiya’s neck and pulled him down, their lips meeting harshly. Jiraiya slid on top of Naruto’s small frame, one leg bent between his thighs. He moved up his knee so that his thigh was pressing against Naruto’s already hard cock, forcing a small moan from him. Naruto’s lips parted and he allowed Jiraiya access, his tongue taking in his taste, letting out a moan of his own at Naruto’s sweetness. Naruto grinded up against Jiraiya’s thigh, his fingers gripping Jiraiya’s shoulders as he dry humped his leg fervently. Jiraiya moved quickly, tearing off Naruto’s pants before removing his own. He took back his position above Naruto, panting at the way Naruto’s heat radiated against his upper thigh. He shifted so that their cocks were aligned, reveling in the way he fit so perfectly between Naruto’s legs. 

Jiraiya bent his head down and started to kiss Naruto’s neck, so gentle and tender, sucking his soft skin into his mouth. “ _Mmh-_ “ Naruto wriggled beneath him, needing friction but being denied, Jiraiya’s hips pinning him down. Naruto reached out and grabbed Jiraiya’s waist while bending his knees up around his hips, trying to force him to start moving, do _anything_ other than tortuously kiss his neck. 

”Not so fast,” Jiraiya growled, warm breath puffing against his saliva slick neck sending a chill up Naruto’s spine. Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s wrists but instantly let go as the boy winced at the sudden pain, reminding Jiraiya of his wounds. “ _Shit_ , I’m so sorry!” Jiraiya apologized, attempting to sit up but finding himself locked in place by Naruto’s knees. Naruto wrapped his injured wrists to his chest, a sad expression on his face.

”You won’t break me, I’m not made of glass,” Naruto whispered, so quiet that Jiraiya could barely hear him. He held his arms up so Jiraiya could retake his grasp on them. Jiraiya hesitated, not wanting to hurt him, but he eventually carefully wrapped each small hand inside his own. He lifted both of Naruto’s wrists to his face, kissing his bandaged skin. Naruto felt his face flush, sniffling to try to fight away the tears threatening to fall. Jiraiya pinned both of Naruto’s wrists behind his head on top of the pillows using one hand before allowing his free fingertips to graze Naruto’s whiskered cheek.

” _You’re beautiful,_ ” Jiraiya muttered, replacing his fingertips with his lips, kissing his cheeks, his forehead, his lips. Naruto bucked his hips forward, reminding Jiraiya of his task. Jiraiya chuckled, slowly rubbing their cocks together, their fluids mixing together and offering lubrication. Naruto panted as his eyes slid shut, quickening the pace as he thrusted against him, the feeling of Jiraiya’s cock pressed up to his almost enough to make him cum. “ _A-Ah!_ ” Naruto moaned, leaking precome, arching his hips forward to force more pressure, rubbing against Jiraiya’s cock fervently. Jiraiya gently tapped Naruto’s lips with his finger and Naruto quickly sucked his finger in, twisting his tongue against around his fingertip, moaning at the overwhelming sensations. He sloppily sucked, teeth grazing his knuckle. Jiraiya pulled his finger away and tantalizingly lowered it between Naruto’s legs, sliding lower on the bed so he could get better leverage.

He swirled his spit slick finger around Naruto’s rim, eliciting a needy moan as Naruto arched his hips, desperate to be filled. He slowly dipped in his fingertip, working it in and out before slowly pushing his finger in to the knuckle, stunned at how tight Naruto was. He worked quickly, smirking as he hit Naruto’s prostate. “ _A-ah! Ffff-f-fuck,_ ” Naruto cried, voice quivering, legs shaking. Naruto’s cock was leaking so much that it provided more lubrication for Jiraiya, making Jiraiya moan at the sight. 

”So _eager_ for me,” he praised as he slid in another finger, scissoring and bending his fingers to prepare Naruto’s entrance. Jiraiya paused for a moment to reach for something on the side of the bed, smirking as he retrieved a bottle of lube. He squirted some on his fingers before going back to his task, teasingly only hitting Naruto’s prostate every few strokes. Naruto’s hips bucked forward as he searched for friction, his cock throbbing, so close to his release. “ _Mmm, look at you,_ coming apart from just my fingers,” Jiraiya lowered his head and teasingly kissed Naruto’s thighs as his fingers kept up their steady motion. He kissed Naruto’s hips, rubbing his inner thigh with his free hand, before kissing the base of his cock. 

“ _F-fuck, please,_ ” Naruto begged, thrusting up into the air. “ _Want you in my mouth,_ ” he moaned lewdly, suddenly sitting up and grabbing Jiraiya by the shoulders, forcing him back against the pillows. Naruto quickly slid to his knees on the bed, rubbing his hands up and down Jiraiya’s sides as he slid between his legs. Jiraiya’s breaths shook with anticipation, his hand resting in Naruto’s soft hair. Naruto straddled one of Jiraiya’s legs, making the older man grunt as he felt Naruto’s rock hard cock rub against him, slick with precome. Naruto gripped the base of Jiraiya’s erection, running his tongue slowly up the underside, making Jiraiya quiver below his grasp. He teasingly flicked his tongue over his slit, lapping up his fluids, swirling his tongue around the head before sucking it into his mouth. He bobbed his head up and down slowly, focusing his mouth on the head while his hand gripped the shaft, unsure if he’d be able to handle Jiraiya’s massive size. Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s hair and tried as hard as he could to not buck his hips into Naruto’s mouth, not wanting to choke him. 

” _Mmm, you’re so big,_ ” Naruto moaned as he licked the head of Jiraiya’s cock, stroking his length with his hand. Naruto rubbed his erection against Jiraiya’s leg, hips stuttering, unable to control himself. Naruto took Jiraiya’s cock back into his mouth, his head bobbing up and down, slowly taking more and more of him into his mouth. Jiraiya gasped and squeezed his eyes closed as Naruto suddenly took down his entire length, gagging as it forced its way into his throat. 

“You okay, kid?” Jiraiya asked all breathy, struggled to speak as he panted, his hand traveling from Naruto’s hair to his cheek. He craned his neck so he could check on Naruto, breath catching in his throat as he saw Naruto directly making eye contact, his cheeks flushed and lips cracked into a smirk around his cock. “ _Fuck,”_ Jiraiya choked out as his head fell back into the pillows, Naruto quickly getting back to his task, taking his entire length. As soon as Jiraiya was comfortable in the fact that Naruto could handle him he started fucking his mouth. Naruto greedily sucked him off, all sloppy and gagging whenever his cock was thrust into the back of his throat. “ _G-God,_ you’re _amazing,_ ” Jiraiya gasped as he felt himself getting close to the edge. Suddenly he gripped Naruto’s shoulder, forcing him to stop. Naruto whined, wanting to keep going, but Jiraiya chuckled, “I’m not done with you yet.”

He helped Naruto back up so his head rested on the pillows, pulling him in for a kiss, moaning as he tasted himself in Naruto’s mouth. He slid his fingers back down to Naruto’s entrance, grazing around his rim, loving the way he opened up for him so easily. “ _J-Jiraiya,_ ” Naruto panted, “ _please_ _._ ” Jiraiya’s breath hitched in his throat as the younger man breathily moaned his name, sending him into hyperdrive. He reached down with his free hand and stroked Naruto’s cock, forcing him right up to the edge before denying him his release. Naruto whimpered and wiggled his hips, his legs were shaking, cheeks flushed red, pupils totally blown. Suddenly Jiraiya pulled Naruto up, settling him in his lap as he leaned his back against the wall. Naruto instantly sprung into action, pulling Jiraiya into a sloppy heated kiss, moaning in his mouth. 

Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s hip as he situated him in his lap. He broke the kiss and looked into Naruto’s glazed over eyes. “I want you to go at your own speed,” he panted as Naruto rested on his knees, hovering above Jiraiya’s cock expectantly. Just the thought that Jiraiya was finally going to fuck him made his heart skip a beat. He’d been begging Jiraiya to fuck him for days and was always rejected; he wanted it to be special, he said, wanted to make sure Naruto was really sure he wanted this. Jiraiya squeezed more lube into his hand grasping his shaft, moving his wrist in circles as he made sure to cover every inch; Naruto’s saliva was already making it slick but since Naruto was a virgin he needed to be sure. Once he was done he reached back between Naruto’s legs, spreading some lube between his cheeks, slowly dipping in two fingers to make sure he wouldn’t get hurt. “Are you ready?” Jiraiya asked gently.

“Y-yes,” Naruto tentatively started to lower himself, gasping as the head of Jiraiya’s cock pushed into his entrance. He felt an intense burning pain due to the sheer size spreading him wide but he pushed through it, his eyes tearing. He whimpered as he finally took his whole length in. Jiraiya held his waist and rocked his hips a bit.

”You okay?” Jiraiya asked him tenderly, not wanting to go too fast, determined to make his first time pleasurable. Naruto nodded, determined, as he started to glide back up, using his toes for leverage. He worked to adjust to the new sensations while trying to work up a rhythm. He panted and let his head drop into the crook of Jiraiya’s neck, warm breaths puffing across his skin, sending shivers up Jiraiya’s spine. Jiraiya gripped Naruto’s hips and helped hold him steady as he started to pick up the pace. “ _Fuck,_ so tight, so _perfect_ ,” Jiraiya praised, slowly thrusting into Naruto each time he lowered himself. 

Naruto gasped as Jiraiya roughly hit his prostate, “ _Mmh- d-don’t stop,_ ” he ordered, moving his hips in a circular motion as he quickly rode Jiraiya’s cock. He panted hard, his legs starting to burn from the repetitive motion. Jiraiya grabbed onto Naruto’s back before starting to move, laying Naruto out on the mattress as he positioned himself above the younger man, his cock never leaving his tight opening. Jiraiya started thrusting into him hard, forcefully hitting Naruto’s prostate on each pump, leaving him a lewd, cursing mess. “ _A-ah, ah, ah!_ G-God, _ffff-f-fuck, right there!“_ Naruto cried, his cock throbbing painfully, desperate for release. His nails dug into Jiraiya’s back as he plowed him, eliciting a groan from Jiraiya, the sensation sending him over the edge. Naruto was about to reach for his cock, becoming frantic from teetering at the edge for so long, but Jiraiya grabbed his arm, pinning it above his head.

”You’ll finish when I _say_ you can,” he purred deviously, and animalistic glint in his eyes. Naruto whined as the pleasure overwhelmed him, needing some sort of release. He reached up and grabbed onto Jiraiya’s neck with his free hand, sinking his teeth down on his soft flesh before sucking on it hard. Jiraiya groaned, “ _ah_ \- you’re gonna be the death of me,” he chuckled, the familiar words sending a chill up Naruto’s spine. Jiraiya reached his hand down and grabbed onto Naruto’s throbbing erection, pumping his hand in time with his thrusts.

“ _P-please!”_ Naruto begged desperately, moaning loudly just as he was about to finish, suddenly feeling Jiraiya’s tight grasp at the base of his cock, forcing him to have a dry orgasm. Naruto gasped at the unfamiliar sensation, biting his lip as his head fell back against the pillow, absolutely _keening,_ shockwaves flashing through his body. Naruto whined at the tight coiling in the bottom of his stomach, rocking his hips against Jiraiya’s, needing _more._ “ _J-Jiraya, p-p-please,_ ” he begged for his orgasm, tears starting to slide down his cheeks.

Jiraiya thrusted into Naruto’s tight ass a few more times before wrapping his hand around Naruto’s throbbing cock. ” _Cum for me,”_ Jiraiya deviously growled in Naruto’s ear, stroking his length as Naruto wildly thrusted into his hand, crying out with pleasure as he was finally allowed his release. “ _A-AH!_ ” Naruto whined breathily, legs quaking as an over stimulating orgasm shook him to his core. Jiraiya couldn’t help but stare down at Naruto’s face as he orgasmed, his eyebrows furrowed, all red cheeks and fuck drunk eyes. “G-God, so _perfect,_ ” he praised as he stroked Naruto through his orgasm, stripes of cum spurting onto his chest. He moaned as he felt Naruto’s entrance pulsating around his cock, pushing him over the edge. He kissed Naruto’s neck as he finished inside of him, burying himself deep in Naruto’s ass. 

He collapsed upon Naruto’s chest as he panted hard, fighting to come to his senses. He took a deep breath as he pulled out, Naruto whimpering at the loss. Jiraiya pushed himself up on unsteady legs, “I’ll be right back,” he promised gently before planting a kiss on Naruto’s sweaty forehead. He staggered into the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth, wetting it with warm water before stopping in he kitchen to grab the juice in the fridge. Jiraiya couldn’t help but pause in the doorframe, taking in the view. Naruto laid spread out on the mattress, panting and sweaty. He was shaking lightly, skin flushed and pink, pupils blown, still too overwhelmed from sub drop to move. Jiraiya smiled lightly as he plopped back down next to Naruto, cleaning them both up before helping him get dressed. He wrapped Naruto up in the blankets to ease his shaking, cradling him in his arms, helping him through the rapid drop of endorphins after forcefully building them up for so long. “You’re beautiful,” Jiraiya soothed, petting back Naruto’s hair, kissing his whiskered cheek tenderly. 

Naruto snuggled his face into Jiraiya’s neck, seeking warmth and comfort as he struggled to ground himself. Jiraiya rubbed his back for a few moments before presenting him with a glass of juice. “Here, drink this, it’ll help,” Jiraiya offered it to him, smiling as Naruto accepted it with shaky hands. He took a few sips before setting it down on the floor next to him, sighing contentedly as Jiraiya coddled him, showering him with praise and encouragement; _you’re amazing, you did so well... I love you._ Naruto’s eyes widened at that, momentarily stunned silent. He looked up into Jiraiya’s eyes, tearing up as he took in the tender, loving gaze he was receiving. “I-I love you, too...” he managed to choke out, flinging his arms around Jiraiya’s neck, forcing the older man down into the pillows. Jiraiya chuckled as he returned Naruto’s hug, kissing the top of his head. 

“C’mon, lets get some sleep, kiddo.”

For the first time in weeks Naruto slept through the night, a small smile on his face.

((remember guys! aftercare is super important when you’re doing any edge play (or any sort of bdsm for that matter)! take care of each other ^^))


End file.
